Awkward Man Has Stand Off With Pigeon

(Birmingham, UK) –Eyewitnesses at the scene were reportedly confused and subsequently amused by one man’s awkward interaction with a local pigeon outside the Bullring in Birmingham city centre earlier today.

When reached for comment, Francis Rutledge agreed to speak with us on a strict condition of anonymity.

Continue reading “Awkward Man Has Stand Off With Pigeon”

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Trudeau Tired Of Being ‘Fuck’ Option

(Ottawa, ON) –Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that, while he appreciates the thought, he is getting tired of constantly being everyone’s ‘fuck’ option in the popular thought experiment game ‘fuck, marry, kill’.

“It’s, um, it’s like a burden, you know?” The PM told us. “Why is no one, ah, picking me as the marry option?  Do they not realize that marrying me would lead to lots of love making? Tantric shit too. I know some moves. It’s 2017 guys, return the favour.”

Perhaps most surprising of all is the lack of Albertans choosing the ‘kill’ option for the current PM given the province’s distaste for his father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. We spoke to one Albertan.

“Well, it was my first thought, if I’m honest. But then I thought, hey, maybe I can fuck him like he’s fucking our province over.  A province that frequently cuts a cheque directly to each and every person in Quebec, including non-taxpayers, and gets and asks for nothing in return except for right now. But then I think of those blue eyes, eyes you can get lost in, and well, I crumble a little and think about how comfortable he’d make me feel while we explored each other’s bodies and took each other to unimaginable heights of pleasure.  But hey, if you’re getting the milk, why buy the cow, amiright?”

Also unimpressed with his continued option is former Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

“How am I everyone’s ‘kill’ option? Not even one ‘marry’?  Who doesn’t love the Lego hair? You’d think there’d be at least one person, on the planet, who’s into this,” here the former PM turned around and presented his posterior for inspection, “Right? Check out how firm that ass is.  Do it.  Grab a handful.  See?  It’s amazingly tight.  Tighter than JT’s is, I can guarantee you that.” He said, beginning to twerk. “Come on.  Surely if the choice was between me, Davey Cameron, and Idi Amin, I’d not still be the ‘kill’ option.” Adding, “Fuck” in exasperation as people in droves chose to marry Idi Amin.

Orange Avenger Announces Move To DC

(New York, USA) – In a press conference that astounded those in attendance, New York City’s masked vigilante, The Orange Avenger, announced this morning that he would be leaving the city he proudly protects and will be moving to Washington DC to “Drain the swamp of its fetid corruption and feral lobbyists.”

“People of New York!” The Avenger said from the podium atop the steps at City Hall, “for the past thirty years I have fought for you.  I have sought out injustice and those who would prey on the weaker of us. I have worked on the edge of the law to bring justice and hope to those who have neither.”

He looked proudly to Mayor Bloomberg and the police contingent behind him. “We have done great work in this city, old friend.  But it is time I moved on.  The police force of this fine city deserve their accolades for the work they have accomplished in cleaning out the pimps and drug dealers.  As we all know, there are no longer any pimps or drug dealers in any of the boroughs of New York now, and all the criminal bankers and embezzlers are in federal prison now.”

The Orange Avenger then asked people not to think too much about the timing of this move.

“There’s no need to think a lot about the timing here.  Yes, President-Elect Trump is also moving to Washington right now, and so I’m sure a lot of you are thinking things like ‘you know, of all the people who could bankroll the Avenger, Trump is definitely on that list.’  But you’d be wrong.  Remember?  There was that one time we both appeared in the same place at the same time?  It was a satellite uplink from Scotland, but it was live, remember?  It said ‘Live’ in the bottom corner of the screen, no way that wasn’t real.”

“Where was I?  Oh yes.  While I did not vote for Donald Judas Trump myself,” The Avenger said with a wink to brassy NYC Times Tribune reporter Nicole Noon for some reason, “as of his inauguration tomorrow he will be my President, and he deserves the best support I can provide.  Hence my move to Washington, where, frankly, my rent will be lower.” The Avenger then pointed at a member in the crowd. “This guy knows what I’m talking about.”

But the Orange Avenger had a serious warning for those elements that would seek to use his absence to fill New Yorkers with fear once more.

“Lastly, do not worry New York!  For in my stead I have placed the care of the city, not only in the hands of the fine officers of its police department, but also in the hands of my capable apprentice, The Orange Avenger Junior.”

Adding with a sigh, “Oh.  And his sidekick, Eric.” He turned to the man in the expensive suit and masquerade style mask over his eyes. “Seriously? Eric? I weep for this generation.”

The Orange Avenger turned to the crowd and assembled press once more.

“That’s me done.  Any Questions? Nope. All right.  Donny T, I mean Orange Avenger OUT!” He said, pulling the clump of press microphones from the podium and letting them all fall to the floor.

And so, with a cloud of dissipating smoke, the Orange Avenger and the Orange Avenger Jr were gone.

“Shit.” Eric said realizing he was now alone. “That was my ride.”

The Munians (Or Why I Probably Shouldn’t Work For NASA)

As today is Friday the 13th, it is the perfect time to tell you a story of the time that everything possible went wrong in Kerbal Space Program.  This all happened yesterday.

I had a number of contracts that required a trip to the surface of the Mun.  5 Kerbal tourists wanted to visit it, a company wanted an engine tested in orbit, another on an escape trajectory from it, and a third company wanted their separator tested on the surface.  If I could combine all these contracts then it would be a fantastic earner.

There were also some contracts to rescue other Kerbals from the surface or in orbit of the Mun.  Not Kerbals in my space program that I had abandoned, but from other, less reputable companies.  Companies that aren’t as successful and awesome as the program I oversee.

Having built the lander in the assembly hangar, I went to crew it and found that I had a number of other rescued pilots (they defect to your program after rescuing.  They know a winning team when they get rescued from the infinite void when they see one).  These pilots and scientists were not as experienced as my initial 4 test staff.  I decided at that point to take everyone except Jebediah Kerman, my most experienced pilot and all round hero and nice guy.  Valentina would be lead pilot on this simple mission.  Also, leaving Jeb behind would leave me room in the ship to rendezvous with the stranded pilot in orbit and complete another contract.

All started off well.  We took off without a hitch, and easily made it into low Kerbin orbit.  We planned the transfer maneuver to the Mun, and completed it easily as well.  The transfer into Munar orbit went smoothly and we were ready to land.  Plenty of fuel left, I naively thought.

Upon landing, I discovered that we now only had about 400m/s of delta v left.  Delta v is a simple way to measure fuel, it’s the change in speed you can achieve on that stage.  It was all the fuel we had to leave the surface of the Mun, achieve orbit, and get home to Kerbin.  400 m/s was definitely not enough.

I now had a Mark Watney situation.  In fact, I had 11 Mark Watney’s now.

“No problem.” I thought. “I still have Jeb here, I’ll send him in a ship to rescue everyone.”

So it was back to the Vehicle Assembly Building to create a ship that could land on the Mun, rescue everyone, and bring them home.  Jeb, who I had wanted to not be the hero again, would be the hero, again.

Again, the launch went without a hitch.  Jeb made it to the Mun with no issues.  Landing near the other ship was tricky, but he made it down.  I then used some of the remaining fuel in the soon to be abandoned ship to move it a little closer to Jeb’s.  Just to make their spacewalk a little quicker.

The 5 crewmen EVA’d and transferred to Jeb’s ship quickly and easily, and then we hit problem number 2.

Tourists cannot leave their ship.  They do not do EVA’s.

I now had 2 ships on the Mun, and, as we don’t leave our people behind, no one was going anywhere.

“FUCKING FUCKING FUCK SHIT ARSE!” I casually said to myself, scratching the stubble on my chin in contemplation of this new turn of events.  All my astronauts were now on the Mun.

Two solutions now presented themselves.

Solution the first.  Build a rover to transfer fuel to the first ship, either from the second ship, or from whatever was left in the skycrane that would get the rover to the surface of the Mun.

The second solution, which was equally valid, build a rover to transfer the tourists from the first ship to the second ship.

I decided to transfer fuel to the stranded craft, quickly built a rover and skycrane and flew them off to the Mun.  Would the craft fly alright?  How much of an imbalance would be caused by the wheels of the rover being on one side?  Ultimately these concerns came to nought.  The skycrane landed nearby successfully, and I triggered the rover to detach.  All that was left was to drive up to one of the fuel tanks, fill up, drive to the stranded vessel, refuel it, and repeat as necessary.  I could even refuel Jeb’s ship while I was here.

Sadly, I would soon discover that I had used the wrong probe core in my rover and so the button to move the wheels forward also caused the rover to pitch up.  I was doing uncontrollable wheelies everywhere, and one of my wheels had been shredded when I detached the fairing that protected the rover during ascent from Kerbin.  Ultimately, the rover drove a little too hard into its skycrane, and exploded.

So much for rescue attempt number 2.  But hey, third time’s the charm, right?  Right?

I took a step back to think about this some more.  I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a babybel and a can of diet pepsi from the fridge.

My Kerbals needed me now more than ever.  Soon they would lose hope and resort to cannibalism, I guess. Even though it had only been some 5 days at this point.

Ok.  I’ll build a rover to transfer them to Jeb’s ship, which still has more than enough fuel.  I’ll leave the stranded ship as the start of a Munar base, which would eventually have refuelling capabilities.

I went back upstairs, went to the VAB, and built another rover.  I used the correct probe core this time.

Shakily, the rover made it to orbit.  The trip to the Mun was uneventful, and landing went smoothly.

I detached the rover from the skycrane, and drove it out from underneath.  I let the solar panels unfold so it wouldn’t run out of power.

The rover drove over to the stranded vessel, and we transferred everyone to the rover.  On the way to Jeb’s ship, disaster struck.  Somehow, the rover flipped onto its roof and wouldn’t recover.

“FUCKING SHI… Oh, I’ll just reload to right after I docked with the first ship.”

Again, I transferred the tourists to the rover, and again, but considerably more carefully, I drove to Jeb’s ship and successfully docked.

I quickly transferred everyone over, undocked the rover and saved the shit out of my game.

The end was in sight.  The ordeal almost over.  After another quick save to be sure, I fired up the engines and flew Jeb’s ship off the surface of the Mun.  At 15km, we circularized into a stable orbit.  And again, I saved.

But Fate was not finished with the Kerbals just yet.

‘Fate’ here defined as ‘the fickle nature of Phil’.

“Oh look.” I said to myself. “There’s contract to rescue another Kerbal from the surface of the Mun.  I’m sure that I have enough fuel to go and get her, and even if I don’t I can just reload to this point and come back later.”

You may recall that there was actually a far easier contract to fulfill sitting in orbit for me, also awaiting rescue.  But no. We went for Roda Kerman instead.

We altered our inclination, we passed overhead and came down right next to her.  She climbed aboard, and then we looked.

78m/s left.

“Ah well.  I’ll just reload and come back for her next time.” I reached out and tapped a button.

“Wait a second.  That wasn’t the quick load button.”

I glanced up at the screen. “Quicksaving…” appeared at the top.

“Fuck this.  I’ll come back tomorrow.”

It is now 21 hours later.  They are still on the Mun.  Every single Kerbal in my space program is currently sitting stranded on the Mun.

And that is why I shouldn’t work for NASA.

Lawmakers Found To Have Not Broken Money Laws

(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies.  Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.

According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.

“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile.  We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported.  So there was no case there.  Well, that and he was dead.”

“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else.  My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection.  I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”

Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.

“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about.  If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place.  So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.

“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it.  Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet.  I didn’t do it yet.  Clearly.  Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet.  I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’.  I added that years ago.”

At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note?  I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it.  Is it any good?  Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better?  I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again.  AT ALL!  It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare.  As I’ve repeatedly stated.”

 

Read More Here

Senior Tories Named In Panama Papers

David Cameron Claims To Have Not Benefited

Iceland’s PM Resigns Over Panama Papers

‘Spite’ Leading Reason For Support Of Donald Trump

(Phoenix, AZ) – A recent survey from the University of Phoenix Department of Political Science of US Presidential candidate and Republican front runner Donald Trump’s supporters has revealed startling information that a significant number of his followers are only doing so to spite another group.

“Frankly, once we started talking to his supporters , it all sort of made sense.”  Professor Bob Afett told us.  “Trump is tapping into a lot of anger, and molding it into support for his campaign.  He’s framing in people’s minds that a vote for him will somehow ‘stick it’ to someone the voter doesn’t like.”

“Environmentalists, Democrats, establishment Republicans, people who take exception to racism, women, children, the elderly, poor people. Basically, if there’s a group that have valid concerns that have expressed them in some way, Trump has found a way to antagonize that group and attract people who feel the same.”

“He is the political equivalent of those exhausts you see added to trucks.  The ones that just create plumes of black smoke.  Those do nothing except pollute the air and use up more fuel.  The only reason people get those installed is to ‘make environmentalists mad’, when clearly the primary effect is to cost the owner more money at the pump.”

“And that’s Donald Trump’s campaign.  You vote for him to make someone else mad, but you gloss over the fact that you’re really hurting yourself as well.”

 

Reasons for Trump support
Reasons for Trump support

Trump Announces Upcoming Show Will Follow His VP Pick

(New York) –In an unprecedented move in American electoral history, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced this morning that, following the Republican convention in July, he would be launching another series of The Apprentice that would follow him selecting his Vice Presidential candidate.  Donald Trump is yet to be confirmed as the Republican nominee, and so this move has many political commentators shrugging their shoulders and suggesting that it’s not really any different than anything else he’s done so far in the campaign.

“There’s really very little that surprises us about the Trump campaign anymore.”  One commentator told us.  “Inciting violence, wanting supporters to take oaths, plugging a new TV show.  You literally can’t tell satire from news with this guy anymore.  You could hear that he’s designed a uniform for his supporters to wear, or has them all wear wigs to make their hair like his, and you just shrug and say, ‘yeah, probably.’”

“This new season of The Apprentice: Vice President is going to be the best season ever.” Trump told the assembled reporters.  “Everybody is going to be in it because they all want to be my vice president.  Sarah Palin has signed up.  Ben Carson has signed up.  Christie has signed up.  Bernie Sanders personally called, and begged me to be on it, but I told him no.  Ted Cruz has already signed up, and he’s still running against me.  That’s how much of a loser he is.  Gene Simmons has signed up.  And, of course, Omarosa is going to be in it too.”

“I’m looking for the best Vice President ever, and I’m going to find them through weekly challenges pitting them against themselves.”

Asked for comment, Sarah Palin told us “Well, it seems like it’s the only way I’d ever get to be President, if I’m honest.  And darn it if the main stream media isn’t all ‘gee shucksing’ about all this already.  If you think about it, if anyone is going to get assassinated, it’s Trump.”

“I’m very smart.” Trump told us. “None of these people are ever going to be wanted to be President by the people.  Particularly Palin.  If I pick her, then no one is ever going to try to assassinate me.  I’ll be the safest, and therefore the best, President ever.”

 

Read More Here

Trump Warns Of Riots If Not Chosen (Yahoo)

Fox Cancels Debate After Trump (and Kasich) Drop Out (CNN Money)