Exclusive Interview with REDACTED

There now follows a transcript of Sealion News’ exclusive interview with famous Hollywood actress <REDACTED>.  The interview took place on the afternoon of August 19, 2013 between <REDACTED> and Sealion News entertainment reporter Blaze Newsguy.

Blaze:  I’m here with <REDACTED>.  Star of <REDACTED>, <REDACTED> and, of course, <REDACTED>.  How are you?

<REDACTED>:  I’m good.  How are you?

B: Very good.  I just have to say, right off the bat, that I loved you in <REDACTED>.  You should have won.

<R>:  Won what?

B:  The Oscar.

<R>:  I wasn’t nominated for that film.  In fact, <REDACTED> wasn’t nominated at all.  For anything.

B:  Well, no.  But you should have been, you were really good.

<R>:  Thanks.  I guess.

B:  You are welcome.  So my big question to you is this.  How do you see the real you in comparison to how you’re portrayed by the media?

<R>:  How do I compare to what’s said and written about me?

B:  Exactly.

<R>:  Well, I don’t really do anything noteworthy for the gossip sites like TMZ or the entertainment blogs.  So when they do report something, it’s usually fairly factual.  I don’t really think that I’ve put on a persona for the media to make myself look good.  I think people can see through that sort of thing.

B:  And what about the other types of media?

<R>:  Other types?

B:  I have here a story that you heavily feature in.  Perhaps you could look it over, and let us know your thoughts.

<R>:  Sure.

<REDACTED> reads the papers handed to her by Blaze.

<R>:  Oh wow.

<R>:  Oh my God!  This is horrendous.  Where did you get this?

B:  One of our researchers found it.  Celeberotica dot com I believe.

<R>:  Well this isn’t real.  It’s fan fiction.

B:  And I would hope so, given what you do on page 3.

<REDACTED> Turns to page 3.

<R>:  I don’t see anything worse than on page…  Wow.

B:  So.  In light of this new information.  How do you compare the real you, to how you are portrayed in the media?

<R>:  This media?

B: Yes.

<R>:  Well, let’s look at this sequentially.

B: Let’s.

<R>:  Ok.  So this story takes place in Galion, Ohio.  I guess that’s where the author lives.  So right there, it’s not realistic.

B:  How so?

<R>:  Well, this guy supposedly bumps into me in a hotel bar in Galion.  I would not be staying in a small town like that.  I’d be in a nicer hotel in a city.

B:  Great stuff.  Please continue.

<R>:  Secondly, I just do not own a leather miniskirt.

B: We’re breaking a lot of pre-conceived notions here.

<R> Laughs: Seems so.  Ok, so he’s seen her, and walked up and two sentences later they’re heading up to his hotel room.  That seems odd.  I can’t help but think that I’d have a much nicer hotel room than random guy.  Even in Galion.  And that’s another thing.  If I’m on a shoot, why wouldn’t I rent a house?

B:  If you rented a house you wouldn’t meet… Scott?  Is that his name?

<R>:  Yes.  And apparently Scott is swinging pipe.  I, that is the written me, is astonished by his size.

B:  Different from the real you?

<R>:  No comment.  Oh.  Now this is a change.  I do actually have a lacey bra like this.

B:  Gosh.

<R>:  Wow, and now we’ve just gone straight to, well, I’m not going to say what.

B:  Not like you?

<R>:  Hell no.  I don’t even do that with my boyfriend, let alone guys I’ve just met in Galion Ohio that are packing thirteen inch monsters in their pants.

<REDACTED> is reading the papers

<R>:  Ok, so apparently that was just round one.  This guy has a very low refractory period.

<R>:  So yeah.  I am pretty insatiable.

B:  Erm… Ok.

<R>:  IN THIS!  I am insatiable in this story.

B: And page three?

<R>: I don’t think page three is legal anywhere, and if it was, I’d certainly not be making to the shoot the next day.  Not unless the shoot required very little walking around.

B:  We had our legal team look into it, and that is only legal in 3 counties in Arkansas.

<R>:  Wait, someone else has just come into the room.  No, two people.

B:  Oh yeah, I remember that bit.

<R>:  Holy shit!  I’ve never even met either of them before and I’m doing that to them within thirty seconds of meeting them?  And how do they know Scott?

B:  Oh, apparently there’s a whole series of stories involving him hooking up with famous actresses and some make cameo appearances in later stories.

<R>:  Well they’re certainly being very friendly to me.  And here comes Scott again.  So to speak.

B:  So… conclusions?

<R>:   Conclusions.  Ultimately, I am very different from the persona that is portrayed in this specific media.

B:  And I’m sure our readers will be pleased to know that.

<R>:  Is that it?  Interview over?

B:  Yeah, that’s all I had.  Do you ask me questions now?

<R>:  No.

B:  Then we’re done!  Good job all round, I’d say.

<R>:  Yeah.  Are you actually going to publish this?

B:  Well.  Yes.

<R>:  Yeah, you’re going to have to not mention my name or anything that someone could use to identify me.

B:  That’s understandable.  Oh, can I have my papers back?

<R>:  Actually, I was thinking I might hang on to this.  You know.  For… researching a role.

<REDACTED> stops at the doorway

<R>:  What was the name of that site again?

B:  Celeberotica dot com.

<R>:  Right, yes.  I’ll… have to see about… legal action against them.  Were there more stories about me there?

B:  Tons, apparently.

<R>:  With other actresses?

B:  I guess.

<R>:  Yes…  Legal action then.

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