There now follows a transcript of Sealion News’ exclusive interview with famous Hollywood actress <REDACTED>. The interview took place on the afternoon of August 19, 2013 between <REDACTED> and Sealion News entertainment reporter Blaze Newsguy.
Blaze: I’m here with <REDACTED>. Star of <REDACTED>, <REDACTED> and, of course, <REDACTED>. How are you?
<REDACTED>: I’m good. How are you?
B: Very good. I just have to say, right off the bat, that I loved you in <REDACTED>. You should have won.
<R>: Won what?
B: The Oscar.
<R>: I wasn’t nominated for that film. In fact, <REDACTED> wasn’t nominated at all. For anything.
B: Well, no. But you should have been, you were really good.
<R>: Thanks. I guess.
B: You are welcome. So my big question to you is this. How do you see the real you in comparison to how you’re portrayed by the media?
<R>: How do I compare to what’s said and written about me?
<R>: Well, I don’t really do anything noteworthy for the gossip sites like TMZ or the entertainment blogs. So when they do report something, it’s usually fairly factual. I don’t really think that I’ve put on a persona for the media to make myself look good. I think people can see through that sort of thing.
B: And what about the other types of media?
<R>: Other types?
B: I have here a story that you heavily feature in. Perhaps you could look it over, and let us know your thoughts.
<REDACTED> reads the papers handed to her by Blaze.
<R>: Oh wow.
<R>: Oh my God! This is horrendous. Where did you get this?
B: One of our researchers found it. Celeberotica dot com I believe.
<R>: Well this isn’t real. It’s fan fiction.
B: And I would hope so, given what you do on page 3.
<REDACTED> Turns to page 3.
<R>: I don’t see anything worse than on page… Wow.
B: So. In light of this new information. How do you compare the real you, to how you are portrayed in the media?
<R>: This media?
<R>: Well, let’s look at this sequentially.
<R>: Ok. So this story takes place in Galion, Ohio. I guess that’s where the author lives. So right there, it’s not realistic.
B: How so?
<R>: Well, this guy supposedly bumps into me in a hotel bar in Galion. I would not be staying in a small town like that. I’d be in a nicer hotel in a city.
B: Great stuff. Please continue.
<R>: Secondly, I just do not own a leather miniskirt.
B: We’re breaking a lot of pre-conceived notions here.
<R> Laughs: Seems so. Ok, so he’s seen her, and walked up and two sentences later they’re heading up to his hotel room. That seems odd. I can’t help but think that I’d have a much nicer hotel room than random guy. Even in Galion. And that’s another thing. If I’m on a shoot, why wouldn’t I rent a house?
B: If you rented a house you wouldn’t meet… Scott? Is that his name?
<R>: Yes. And apparently Scott is swinging pipe. I, that is the written me, is astonished by his size.
B: Different from the real you?
<R>: No comment. Oh. Now this is a change. I do actually have a lacey bra like this.
<R>: Wow, and now we’ve just gone straight to, well, I’m not going to say what.
B: Not like you?
<R>: Hell no. I don’t even do that with my boyfriend, let alone guys I’ve just met in Galion Ohio that are packing thirteen inch monsters in their pants.
<REDACTED> is reading the papers
<R>: Ok, so apparently that was just round one. This guy has a very low refractory period.
<R>: So yeah. I am pretty insatiable.
B: Erm… Ok.
<R>: IN THIS! I am insatiable in this story.
B: And page three?
<R>: I don’t think page three is legal anywhere, and if it was, I’d certainly not be making to the shoot the next day. Not unless the shoot required very little walking around.
B: We had our legal team look into it, and that is only legal in 3 counties in Arkansas.
<R>: Wait, someone else has just come into the room. No, two people.
B: Oh yeah, I remember that bit.
<R>: Holy shit! I’ve never even met either of them before and I’m doing that to them within thirty seconds of meeting them? And how do they know Scott?
B: Oh, apparently there’s a whole series of stories involving him hooking up with famous actresses and some make cameo appearances in later stories.
<R>: Well they’re certainly being very friendly to me. And here comes Scott again. So to speak.
B: So… conclusions?
<R>: Conclusions. Ultimately, I am very different from the persona that is portrayed in this specific media.
B: And I’m sure our readers will be pleased to know that.
<R>: Is that it? Interview over?
B: Yeah, that’s all I had. Do you ask me questions now?
B: Then we’re done! Good job all round, I’d say.
<R>: Yeah. Are you actually going to publish this?
B: Well. Yes.
<R>: Yeah, you’re going to have to not mention my name or anything that someone could use to identify me.
B: That’s understandable. Oh, can I have my papers back?
<R>: Actually, I was thinking I might hang on to this. You know. For… researching a role.
<REDACTED> stops at the doorway
<R>: What was the name of that site again?
B: Celeberotica dot com.
<R>: Right, yes. I’ll… have to see about… legal action against them. Were there more stories about me there?
B: Tons, apparently.
<R>: With other actresses?
B: I guess.
<R>: Yes… Legal action then.