How To Make McDonald’s French Fries At Home.

The French Fry, or “Chip” for our UK readers, at McDonald’s restaurants are among the best fast food fries available, superior to Burger King, Wendy’s and Dairy Queen fries.  For millennia, these fries have only been available at the local restaurant, but now, they can be made at home.

Sealion News has developed an easy to follow procedure so that you too can enjoy the taste of McDonald’s french fries without having to go to a restaurant or drive thru for take out.


Step One:  Scout out your local McDonald’s

McDonald’s fries are brought to each location by delivery truck.  Find out when the deliveries take place and follow the truck back to the distribution center.  Following the trucks will enable you to learn the route it takes.

For this step you will need:

A non-descript vehicle, and plenty of time.


Step Two: Rob the Delivery Truck

Realistically, there’s no reason for the delivery truck drivers to be armed, so you shouldn’t need body armour for this step.


You will need to acquire a team consisting of the following people and the following equipment:

One martial arts expert

One old and grizzled getaway driver looking for one last score before retirement

One young and enthusiastic up and coming criminal looking to make a name for himself

A fast car

The non-descript car from step 1

A cargo van

3 weapons, but only 3 as the martial arts expert will not need one.  He IS one.

2 containers of bleach or gasoline


Now that you know the trucks route, you can stage an ambush.  Have the cargo van begin to trail the delivery truck as it approaches the ambush location.  Stage the cars as if there has been an accident and use dry ice to create a smoke effect.  The truck is unlikely to run the blockade.

Use the element of surprise to subdue the driver.  You may be tempted at this juncture to steal the truck.  Do NOT do this.  The truck may have a GPS tracker and then they’ll just follow you right back to your hideout.  Instead, unload the truck of it’s precious french fry cargo into your cargo van.

At this point, the driver may attempt to overpower the brash associate you have guarding him.  This is because the driver had regained consciousness and was feigning still being under.  In the resulting struggle it is likely that a gun will go off, and your grizzled older associate will be mortally wounded.

Luckily, you were prepared for this.  Apply pressure to the wound and put him in the back of the cargo van.  Do NOT leave him behind.  If he has left a blood trail to the back of the van, you have two options.  Use some bleach on the pools and drops, or do the same with the gasoline and ignite it.

Leave the scene and return to the hideout.

Here there will be a touching scene between the grizzled veteran and the brash youngster, who have had an antagonistic relationship until this point, but deep down there was a mutual respect between them.

Divide the boxes of fries amongst yourselves, and burn all the evidence.  It should be noted at this point that it is an excellent idea to not have your apartment or house as the hideout due to having to set fire to it.


Step Three:  Cook The Fries

You will need a deep fryer for this step in the plan.  The fries will need to be stored frozen, so I hope you have a deep freeze large enough for your take.

Simply heat up the oil and cook the fries for a few minutes .


Step Four: Eat the Fries.

Once the fries are cooked, they may be eaten straight, or with a condiment.  Popular options are: ketchup, catsup, bbq sauce, and vinegar.

With the french fry coated to your preference, place the fry in your mouth, and begin to chew the fry into a mush.

Be sure to savour the flavour of the french fry, as things taste so much better when you make the effort to do them yourself.


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