A new study from the University of Phoenix has found that the beverage of choice in much of the western world, coffee, is actually quite disgusting. The authors of the study, Dr’s E. Tetley and P.G. Tips, performed the study over several decades and interviewed approximately one billion people to gather the data.
“The results were really quite clear.” Dr. Tips told us in an exclusive interview. “We asked the respondents several questions, I have one here. ‘would you rather drink something that tastes like mud a pig has been frolicking, fornicating and excreting in, or something that tastes like a piece of heaven has found it’s way into your cup?’ Most people chose the option that was not coffee.”
Dr Tetley added. “We also found that people will add literally anything to their coffee to mask the taste of it as much as they can. Milk and sugar are the main ones, but they get shots of caramel, hazelnut, mint, there’s foamy cream, not so foamy cream, no foam cream, some people even put ice in it!”
But the study is not without its critics. Most vocal are rival university professors doctors Nabob and Folger, who claim that this study is a reaction to one they had published earlier which found that tea “tasted like a cardboard box a hobo had been using as a bed, toilet and fart receptacle.”