Local Dog Thinks Master Is Probably Jealous

Local golden retriever Hercules told Sealion News recently that he believes that his master, James Von Ludick, 34, is probably jealous of his own thick fur coat.

“It’s really tough, you know?  I mean, here I have this awesome full and thick fur coat.  Hell I have so much fur that I’m leaving bits behind all over the place, and there’s still no discernible decrease in my coat.”

“But Master.  Oh boy.  Don’t get me wrong, he has it really thick on top of his head, but it’s just so patchy everywhere else.  His back and shoulders are ok, but there’s spots by his lower back and kidneys that are practically bald!  It’s just got to affect him, having a condition that bad, and then seeing me rolling around in my awesome coat.  It’s not my fault though, I can’t help having this.  But I’m not going to do something unhealthy to myself.”

Hercules also expressed concern for his Master’s mental state.

“I’m really worried about him, and how this is whole patchy fur thing is affecting him.  He thinks I’m sleeping, but I’ve seen him.  Just as the fur is actually coming in nicely on his face, he’ll go into the bathroom and he’ll take a sharpened piece of metal and drag it across his face, removing his fur.  It hurts me to see him doing things like that to himself.”

But many of Hercules’ attempts at comforting his master are rebuffed.

“I try to make him feel better about it, I do.  I’ll try to climb up on his lap and lick his face, you know, to let him know I love him with fur or not.  But he just pushes me off with some excuse about me being ‘100 pounds of slobber’ whatever that means.  It’s deflection, is what it is.  Poor guy is just jealous.  I mean, the way he reacts when I’m licking myself on his suede couch, that’s not a rational reaction, that’s jealousy.”

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