Episode VII To Feature Revolutionary New “Lens Blackholes” Technique

Recent leaks from the production of the seventh Star Wars film have revealed that director J.J. Abrams intends to use a revolutionary new film technique known as “blackholing”.
“It’s very similar to lens flaring, which I used in the recent Star Trek films, only it’s pretty much the exact opposite.” Mr Abrams told us in an exclusive interview. “When I was making Star Trek, I used lens flares because I like the idea that the future is so bright that it’s hard to see anything. Whereas this Star Wars film will be the opposite.”
“The Republic is long dead, and even though the Emperor and Darth Vader were defeated at Endor, the Empire itself has been holding on to power and the Galactic Civil War has been ongoing for a long time. In short, it’s not a great time for the Star Wars Galaxy. It’s a dark time.”
“Into that, we’re going to use blackholing. In blackholing, we basically just suck all the light out of the scene. In Star Trek, you couldn’t see what was happening because of how bright it was, in Star Wars you won’t see what’s happening because of how dark everything is. There’ll just be this circle of black on the screen, just kind of moving about obscuring everything. It’s an interesting technique, and we’re excited to be the first major film to use this. I think audiences will get a big kick out of it.”
“And besides, it’s not like people aren’t going to go and see this movie anyway. It’s a freaking Star Wars film. It could feature a Blazing Saddles like scene of Luke, Han, & Lando eating beans and farting and it would still make several billion dollars. We could have the teaser at the end of the credits be Mickey Mouse in a Jedi robe walk across the screen with his middle finger extended, and it would still be a better movie than Attack of the Clones.”

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