England Reveals Details of “Plan B”

David Cameron, the Prime Minister of what is currently the United Kingdom, revealed details Wednesday as to what England’s possible response would be, should Scotland vote to remain a part of the union in Thursday’s referendum.

“Well, obviously there’s a good chance that Scotland will vote for independance. And why wouldn’t they? Did you see our ads about staying together? Awful stuff. Those would convince a particularly lethargic turtle to leave.”

“As they were completely intended to, of course. But should the unthinkable occur and Scotland decides to stick around, well, sadly we shall have no choice but to pursue independence for ourselves. Think about it. We already have our own currency, our own parliament buildings and bureaucracy, even a Queen. Two if you count Elton.”

“First, we stop answering phone calls from everyone else and we block their numbers. It’ll be fine for the most part. Northern Ireland usually just texts us around three or four in the morning, and Wales doesn’t talk much anyway.”

“The only real drawback to the plan is that Doctor Who is currently filmed in Wales, and he’s a Scot. We never even considered that happening when we made the plan. But it’s ok, the BBC are ready to green-light a brand new, ground breaking show called “Engineer How”. It’s about this guy who calls himself “The Engineer” and he goes around helping people throughout space and time. We have high hopes for it. And it would be filmed in London, so there’s not that problem.”

“Regardless though, we’re fairly confident that we’ve fucked up the ‘No’ campaign enough that we won’t need Plan B.”

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