In an unprecedented interview, the recently discovered Higgs Boson sat down with Sealion News to share its story.
SLN: Mr Boson, welcome. May I call you Higgs?
HB: Higgs is fine, or my other name.
SLN: Meaning ‘The God Particle’?
HB: Absolutely. That was me, afterall.
SLN: What was?
HB: Everything, basically. All me. One time I said “It’s kind of dark around here.” Then boom, everything.
SLN: Are you saying there actually was a big bang then?
HB: No. I created everything in six days because that’s absolutely a realistic time frame. Of course it was a big bang.
SLN: So the Bible is wrong then?
HB: Oh, no, a lot of that is pretty solid. Garden of Eden, the Arks, Babel. All that shit.
SLN: Fascinating. Are there any major points you’d like to take this opportunity to clarify?
HB: Well, there are a few misconceptions about the Garden. The Bible really does seem to set up Adam as the good guy there.
SLN: But surely both he and Eve are responsible for Original Sin and their banishment.
HB: Exactly, which makes it seem like they were kind of naïve and victims. They really weren’t.
SLN: How so?
HB: Well. Frankly, Adam was kind of a dick.
SLN: But he was your creation, was he not?
HB: Okay. Yes, he was. And I can accept my part of the responsibility for that. But that guy had banishment coming for a long time. I was really patient with that guy.
SLN: Please, go on.
HB: First off, this guy was consistently naked. Like, all the time. And he’s just sitting and touching everything. It then gets worse because he never, ever, bathed. And Eden is where four damn rivers met, he would have had to go out of his way to not get clean.
HB: Yeah, his naked, dirty ass had touched everything. And he didn’t even use leaves, just kinda let it dry and then picked the bits out. I started to stay at Doreen’s place, she was my girlfriend at the time. Anyway, so one day I visit, basically to make sure he’s not turned it into a meth-lab, and he asks if I can make him a live-in girlfriend! Can you imagine the stones on that guy? It took me by surprise so I did, and then just spent even more time with Doreen.
SLN: That is not the version of the story we typically hear.
HB: Oh. Oh I know. To continue with my narrative though. Things began to get more serious between Doreen and I, and I was barely ever at Eden anymore. I was trying to think of a nice way to propose to her, and I know that her favourite dessert is apple pie. So I get a bunch of apples and I’m going to make her a fresh home-made apple pie and put the ring on top, dead center. Obviously, I want it to be a surprise, so I make an apple tree grow in Eden, which is becoming a bit of a pig sty by now, and tell the two of them to not eat the apples.
SLN: And Eve did.
HB: Oh they both did, and not just one. The entire tree-full. So I come back from the bathroom, which was absolutely disgusting and I find all my apples are gone. And there’s those two dirty fucking assholes leaning against the tree surrounded by cores.
HB: At that point, I’d had it. There were his particles of hairy shit everywhere, a bathroom that hadn’t been cleaned since I left, Doritos wrappers all over the place. Oh, and this was absolutely disgusting. He had started collecting his boogers, and his toe nails. In the same jar. I still gag thinking about it. Who does that?
SLN: He sounds awful.
HB: He fucking was. And Eve was not a tempering influence on him, I think she made him worse. Yeah, so that was the final straw, and I kicked their ass out of my Garden. Then I bulldozed it and burned the remains.
SLN: Fascinating. I have some other questions, if you have time.
HB: I’m sorry. I hate to cut this short, but just talking about that guy has brought back a lot of the anger I had at him, I’m going to have to leave now.
SLN: That’s understandable. Thank you for your time.
HB: Another time.