Time Machine Now Used Exclusively For Trolling

Local inventor Clyde Brown told Sealion News recently that his interest in using his time machine invention has fell to the level where he now uses the machine solely to annoy fans of popular science fiction series’.

“When I first discovered how I could create and control a temporal fissure to allow a person to travel through time and return safely, I wanted to use it to do all the stuff you think you’d use it for.  Witnessing great moments in history, meeting fascinating people, and so on.”

“After that, you start to wonder if you could use it to change the past. But you quickly learn that it doesn’t work out.  I mean, sure, Johann Schmidt is dead, but this Hitler guy who replaced him was just as bad.  So I learned that didn’t work out as planned.”

“And yes, obviously I played the stock market a little, but once you have a few hundred billion dollars in assets, that gets boring too.  And that’s when I found trolling.  I was back in seventy seven, trying to invest in Apple Computers, when I was walking past a movie theater and some guy was outside looking up at the billboard.  I struck up a conversation with him, and he was looking for a movie to watch.  I looked at the films listed and saw Star Wars was up there, and suggested he check it out.  He asked if it was any good and I said “Oh yeah.  It’s good.””

“And that was the clincher.  I’d used my knowledge of the future for the betterment of mankind, with mixed results.  I’d used it to witness key events.  I’d used it to meet people.  I’d used the fuck out of it for personal gain.  Now I would use it to mess with people.”

“My first stop was one of the first comic conventions in San Diego.  I set up a booth there with a tv and vcr.  I’d mixed up a clip of some action scenes from Iron Man, played it on a loop and told everyone it was a fan project I was working on.  They fucking freaked out about that.  It’s a shame that the movie wouldn’t come out for like forty more years.  But I had fun, and I think that’s the important thing.”

“Then I travelled back to 70s and 80s to pick up a load of Star Wars action figures; the ones that are worth a ridiculous amount now.  I put a video up on youtube of me taking them out of their mint packaging, I mean, of course it’s mint, I’d bought them like 10 minutes ago, and then I melted them with a magnifying glass.  Wow, the comments that one got.  You’d think I was Schmidt!  I mean, it cost me like thirty bucks, so that’s like a movie night these days.  Worth it!”

“I’ve done other stuff.  I was back in the late nineties talking up Jar Jar Binks in chat rooms on the internet.  I’m fairly sure I convinced one idiot to get a tattoo of him before Phantom Menace came out.  I gave JJ Abrams the idea to use lens flares in his Star Trek movie.  The version I saw in the quote unquote original timeline, that one had no flares at all.  So I went back and ran into him at a bar while he was working on the film and casually suggested that Star Trek always made the future seem so good and bright.  When I said ‘bright’, there was a shift in his eyes and I knew he’d be doing something to that film.  Ironically, I didn’t do anything to the second one.  That one sucks all on its own.”


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