Sealion news is pleased to announce the upcoming release of their intensively exhaustively researched new lifestyle diet plan.
You may ask, “What could a mediocre online news site, with a following of about ten people, possibly have to tell me about dieting?” That’s certainly something to think about, isn’t it? What could our groundbreaking discovery that will forever change the face of humanity be?
The problem with most diets is that they don’t work long term. And the problem with most lifestyle diets is that they require huge changes to your lifestyle. no more white bread they say. Well, sometimes, you want some god damned white bread.
Our diet plan requires none of this. It’s a simple two-step process that will have you looking leaner, feeling better, and more capable than ever before. And the effects are so long lasting, it may almost seem like you have become immortal, a god amongst your peers.
There are no restrictions on this plan. In fact, you’ll NEED to eat more of the foods you love.
Did you used to feel guilty about polishing off a medium meat pizza and a two liter bottle of Pepsi? Well those days are behind you.
Do you feel winded climbing the two flights of stairs to your apartment? On this plan, two flights of stairs will seem like a porch step.
The incredible added bonus of our plan is that it works almost right away. By sunrise the day after, you will already be feeling the effects and living the life you’ve always dreamed of.
So. What is this plan?
Another fine question.
As previously mentioned, this is a very simple, two step plan. But the steps must be completed in the correct order, which is listed below. But don’t worry; it’s physically impossible to follow this plan incorrectly.
Step 1) Obtain a radioactive spider.
Radioactive spiders can be difficult to obtain in some rural areas, but the industry is expanding rapidly, so look for opportunities to obtain one through mail order. Oscorp has a wide selection of spiders available for delivery. Look for a spider that has been genetically engineered to be a superior spider. Jumping, webs, strength, those sorts of things.
Step 2) Allow the spider to bite you.
But the spider must only bite you once. Tests have not been made on multiple radioactive spider bites, but it’s probably not good, right?
Once the spider has bitten you, it should fall to the ground and scuttle away. Probably back to Oscorp, for reshipping. You’re really just renting the spider.
At this point, the venom from the spider will begin to reorganize and merge with your genetic code. You will feel ill for the next few hours. Take this time to visit your aunt and uncle’s place and crash on the floor of their guest bedroom.
The next morning, you will feel incredible. If you previously wore glasses, you won’t need them now. Your body will be in peak physical condition now. You’ll be able to run farther and longer, jump higher, fall from higher places, climb walls, and shoot a form of ‘webbing’ from your wrists allowing you to swing from tall buildings, or use two strands as a catapult. These strands are biodegradable and will have dissolved into air within a few hours.
And now you see the simplicity of this revolutionary plan. It’s two steps to a new you. You’ll feel so good about yourself that you may consider a new career, and there are plenty of opportunities out there. From cage match wrestler to fire rescue specialist to courier extraordinaire.
A new world awaits you.