Video game developers today proudly revealed the ultimate achievement in jiggle physics at a press conference in Vancouver.
“After almost twenty years of exploring, refining, and re-refining a physics models in games, we are so amazingly proud to announce this advancement. Ever since the first Lara Croft model, we have been working to perfect our jiggle physics algorithms. Frankly, we took a lot of flak over the years for concentrating on making boobs move just right, in many ways, we were like Copernicus or Galileo. Minus the jail time and torture, obviously. But boobs did give us an easy canvas to work with. I mean, they’re basically spheres just attached to the body. I think we can all agree on that. And, you know. We’ve all seen, just, tons of em.”
“But now, we can finally reveal what game developers have been working towards. We are standing on the shoulders of the giants of our industry. Learning from what came before, so that now, today, we can finally reveal jiggle accurate male genitalia. We needed to focus on the simplicity of boobs, and master them, so we could confidently pull off junk.”
“The next Arkham game, the next Assassin’s Creed game, these will be the first to feature jiggling male genitalia. Obviously, they’ll be covered up, but you’ll be seeing Bruce Wayne’s package a-swaying in his tights. He still wears tights, right? Following those two, there’ll be Grand Theft Auto and then a ton of other games. Imagine getting pwned in Modern Warfare, and then the guy teabags you with a jiggling package.” The spokesperseon then wiped a tear from their eye. “This is why I got into game programming.”
“This is the future of video gaming people. Welcome!”