Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was rumoured to be missing since March 5th, held a press conference today where he repeatedly held up this morning’s newspaper and commented on the articles.
“As you can all see, I am fine.” President Putin told the assembled reporters. “I’ve not disappeared myself, I’m not dead, and I certainly haven’t been in Los Angeles getting plastic surgery.” He said, as the reporters took a second look at his nose and seemingly fewer wrinkles.
“A lot of people have said that other media appearances have been pre-recorded, but here I am holding today’s newspaper. So I am clearly still alive. As you can see, the headline is about my reappearance at a press conference, and the picture is of me standing at a podium very like this one, holding a newspaper with a headline about my reappearance. So there’s nothing to be concerned about here.”
“Still. How about that Top Gear thing eh? I fear now, that I will never get to drive the reasonably priced car and discuss how it handles with Jeremy. This would be a tragedy.”
“What else is in the news?” He seemed to ask rhetorically to the reporters. “No really. I’ve been” President Putin trailed off. “…Out of town for a few days. And again, definitely not getting butt implants.”
President Putin then walked sideways off the stage and backed slowly out of the press conference room.