In a press conference that had all reporters applauding loudly, this morning Mattel & Hot Wheels spokespeople announced that the new line of vehicles would be even douchier than their existing lines.
“As we all know, most of the little toy cars we have are unbelievably douchey right now. Douchier than an actual Humvee. We’ve all seen the insane paint jobs, flames on the sides, spoilers, huge tires. We’ve really been giving kids the wrong impression of what their cars will look like in the future. You know, if they don’t want to be continually pulled over by police.”
“But all our efforts have been leading to this moment. Our new line will have huge numbers on the hood and doors, along with flames. Massive exhaust pipes. Three, count them, three spoilers. Spikes sticking off the rims like Boudicca’s chariot. Even lower riders.”
“In short, you are going to get your kid a collared shirt, and then pop that shit in order to give him one of these cars. Unless your kid can pull off a black tank top, most kids can’t. Just wait till you see our new line of emergency vehicles.”