News In Brief – May 18th

On Monday morning, President Obama issued a statement declaring stricter regulations on the equipment available to local police departments around the country, with a ban on tanks, grenade launchers, and Hellfire missiles.  “Let’s go back to the old days of selling our out of date military equipment to Canada.  They just don’t need Harrier jets in Festus, Missouri.”  He told reporters.  “Well, what’s the fucking point of joining the police?” One aspiring, but unbalanced individual commented to SLN.

Late last week, Professor Stephen Hawking of Oxford University, predicted that Artificial Intelligence could take over humanity within the next 100 years.  “Our only hope is to get the AI hooked on reality TV.  As long as we don’t make it a Hipster AI who ‘doesn’t own a TV’, then we can get it addicted to the Kardashians, and that’ll stop it dead in its tracks.”  Professor Hawking told the assembled conference attendees.

In Boyle, Alberta, a couple was charged with attempting to ruin the provinces public image in the wake of its historic election results two weeks ago, when they were caught drunk driving a golf cart on the highway.  “I mean, come on.  Really?” The arresting officer told them.

Also in Alberta, the opposition party Wildrose, has already begun criticising the newly formed NDP government for their financial management citing two departments with excessive executive pay.  “They’ve had 18,720 minutes to turn this province’s spending around.  Why have they done nothing?  It’s almost like winning the election came as a complete surprise to them.”

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