News In Brief – May 19th

In more ‘warnings that shouldn’t have to be given’, Crayola has issued a statement this morning that the use of their product as a substitute for make-up is not recommended.  The statement began with “For Gods’ sake, people.” Ending with “What the fuck is wrong with you?” after several lines of additional cursing.

The Russian IIHF hockey team is to face sanctions after leaving the ice immediately after their loss to the Canadian team on Sunday, failing to stay for the Canadian national anthem.  A spokesperson for the team said that they were just anxious to see the footage of the game from the Zamboni dashcam.

Police in London and Kent have reportedly raided 12 addresses in connection with the Easter weekend jewel heist.  Owners of the jewels were reportedly dismayed at the news that some goods had been recovered as it would delay possible insurance pay outs.  No joke here, that’s quite real.

Finally, in news we already knew, a conservative study has agreed with every other study on the network and found that Fox News is particularly bad at the second word of its name, and is even hurting the conservative brand now.  A spokesperson for Fox proceeded to ask if the study’s authors liked letting the terrorists win.

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