Study Finds Too Many Goddamn People Graduating

(Calgary, AB) –A recent study of the graduation ceremonies at several local high schools suggests that far too many people are in the graduating classes this year.

“Oh my god!” one person told us. “They’ve been doing this for forty five minutes and they’re only up to ‘N’.  How much longer can this take?”

“I now officially hate everyone with a last name beginning with a ‘P’ or later.”  Reported another study participant/parent.  “And my last name is Thompson.  That’s how long this is taking.”

Sadly, the anguished cries of the parents fell upon the deaf ears of the teachers.

“Oh really?  This is taking a long time?  You try teaching four classes of thirty odd teenagers, and see how long your day feels then.” A teacher told us anonymously.  “Your kid is almost 18 and out of the house, I have another load of teenagers to deal with next year, and the year after that.  A never ending cycle of angst and know-it-all-ism.”

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