(Chicago, IL) –New resident and serial killer Oscar Van Smith announced this morning that he loves his new wearable fitness tracker, a band that fits snuggly around his wrist.
“This thing is great” he told us. “I can keep track of my heart rate while I’m out purging society of evil. It syncs with my phone, so I can get up to the minute results.”
“I once stabbed a guy for 4 miles!” He told us proudly. “There’s not many ways to quantify how well you’re doing your job in my line of work, but distance sure seems like a good way to start. Barely raised my heart rate while doing that too.”