(Los Angeles, CA) –Tara the cat has won the Los Angeles shelter Hero Dog Award for her actions last May in stopping a dog attacking a local 6 year old boy. This is the first time the award has gone to a non-canine, and is a great step forward for other animals seeking equality in heroism recognition.
“A lot of times, people will tell you that they didn’t think, they just acted when shit like this happens.” Tara told us. “But, I have to admit, that I did think about it for a little bit. It was sort of like that moment in Return Of The Jedi, where the Emperor is shocking Luke and he’s crying out to Vader. And then Vader picks up the Emperor and throws him down the shaft. It was like that. I was thinking, hey, maybe I should stop being an asshole and help out this kid.”
But the award has not come without controversy. “I’ve heard some of the rumors, yeah. There are some people that can’t stomach the idea of a ‘hero’ cat, so they think that I put Scrappy up to it just so I could save the day. And since Scrappy is no longer with us, there’s no way to confirm one way or another. Personally, I think the Truthers need to fuck right off. That’s fucking bullshit.”
Sally Doogooder, a local enthusiast has reservations about Tara receiving the award for other reasons.
“I think it’s the first step down a slippery slope. I mean, the award is “Hero Dog”. Let them come up with a “Hero Cat” award for cats, or a “Hero Fish” award for fish. The “Hero Dog” award is an institution and is sacrosanct. I mean, what’s next, a fucking dolphin winning it?” Sally told us.
Asked for response, Tara the cat told us “Wow, that’s some fucking xenophobic bullshit right there.”