Ant Colony Finds Terror Inducing New Place To Live

(Calgary, AB) –Grant Scott awoke this morning to find that the ant colonies he had spent so much time yesterday attempting to clear out, had indeed moved, but to somewhere quite unexpected.

“I spent a good chunk of yesterday out in the blistering heat, laying out ant traps and poison to take care of the ant problem I have in my backyard.  I finished that at about 5 or so, and decided, as it was cooling off, that I’d take a small nap in the grass.  It had cooled off some, so I figured why not?  Grabbed a blanket, laid it out in the shade of the elm we have, and dozed off a little.”

“When I woke up, it was about dinner time, so I went back inside and ate some.  I had a weird craving for something sweet though, and ended up eating an apple with it.  Then I chased it with some desert, which was a little odd as I don’t usually go in for sweet things.”

Grant told us that it was several days before he realized anything was amiss.

“It was several days before I realized anything was amiss.  As I said, I don’t go in for a lot of sugar, but apparently, that’s not a choice I have anymore.  It seems that while I was sleeping in the yard, the ant colony moved into my stomach, and they’ve been there for a few months now.  There’s not a lot I can do, obviously, what would kill them would also kill me if I ingested it.  So we’ve reached a sort of stalemate and moved into a symbiotic relationship.  I keep them fed with sugar and sweet things, and they don’t turn my life into a horror film.”

But living with ants has not proven to not only be a drawback to Grant.

“There was one time the little guys probably saved my life.  I’ll admit, I hadn’t eaten any sugar all day, but there was a rush on at work and I’d been there for almost 12 hours straight.  Finally, I was leaving and had to cut through a park to get to my car.  Wouldn’t you know it, I get mugged.  Some guy steps out in front of me with a knife.  Shit, I think.  Now, I don’t know if there was some signal in my body the ants were attuned to, or if it was just my stomach turning or something, but they got.  Well, I’m not going to lie, they got antsy.  Came boiling out of my mouth and nose, running and swarming around my head, leaving only my eyes uncovered.”

“That guy just went white as a sheet, dropped his knife, and ran the fuck away.  Almost got hit by a car when he ran out into the street, but didn’t.”

“I just pulled an apple out of my pocket , and held my hand out.  The ants moved down, swarmed the apple and filed back into my mouth and down into my stomach.  Problem solved really.”

“It’s horrendous when that happens.” Grant’s wife commented.  “We now sleep in different beds; I’ve woken up with an ant sitting on the end of my nose looking at me thoughtfully far too many times.”

“Once, that’s how many times.”


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