(Ottawa, ON) –Canadians around the globe were reportedly “just not feeling it” as they awoke this Canada Day morning, citing the impending divorce of American actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.
“Our nation is in shock.” Prime Minister Stephen Harper told an assembled crowd outside at Parliament Hill in Ottawa. “But we will endure this. Canada Day must go on. Mankind, will go on.”
“’Mankind’. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. To paraphrase President Thomas Whitmore in Independence Day, ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Canada Day!’” He concluded to the cheers and “Fuck Yeah’s” of the crowd.
Having finished his speech until the main one during the celebrations later today, Prime Minister Harper then nodded to the crowd and walked off the stage awkwardly.
Elsewhere in Canada, double double and maple donut sales skyrocketed.