(Toulouse, FR) –French aircraft manufacturer Airbus announced a patent this week on a design that would allow an aircraft to travel at 4.5 times the speed of sound, or get you out of the hell hole you currently live in faster than ever before.
“We’re always looking to give our customers value.” The press release said, “and nothing says value than being able to get the fuck out of town really fucking fast.”
The new design would enable a traveller to travel from New York to London (the international standard in measuring long distance flights) in less than an hour. Alternatively, it could get you out of that situation with the girl you met at the bar last night in considerably less time.
Governments everywhere are already reacting to the news of the rapid travel time the aircraft would allow.
“We’ll start by reducing the number of employees working at customs desks, and in airport security. Fewer baggage handlers as well. This will add a lot of time to the beginning and end points of a journey. Basically, we’re not letting them off the hook that easily. You will still have to pay the ‘getting out of town’ tax. Once that’s really hitting home, then we’ll again start randomly banning things from flights. Like, I dunno, pens? Yeah, you could maybe stab someone with one of those. Pens. That’s coming.
“Pencils too, I guess. Crayons would be a natural extension of that. Now you’ll have an hour long flight with children not being entertained by colouring books. They still like coloring, right? Markers. But not erasers. That’ll be nice and frustrating. Getting rid of everything you could use to write, but not the other stationery. Then protractors, because of reasons.”
The representative then laughed gleefully. “Oh, oh you’ll still regret flying. There’s no way we’ll be making this easy.”
Airbus’ promotional materials about the announcement indicate that the new plane is perfect for the following people.
- Accidental murderers
- Intentional murderers
- Business people
- Business man who woke up with a dead hooker in his bed
- Man whose wife just went into labour on other side of world
- Woman who wants to go into labour on other side of world
- Drunk bachelor/bachelorette party
- Phileas Fogg
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