Queen Elizabeth To Pardon America

(London, UK) –The offices of Queen Elizabeth the second announced today that sufficient time has passed that the Crown is willing to forgive the transgressions against it by the signatories of the American Declaration of Independence.

“Whilst their acts were treasonous,” the statement began. “We are willing to forgive them without having received a public apology first.  Obviously, since they are long dead, an apology from them directly would be tricky at best, but an apology from their ‘government’ would have sufficed.  Not that we’re asking for an apology.  By pardoning them, we are taking the high road, and no longer need an apology.  Sure, if the government wanted to apologize on their behalf for all of that treason business, that would be nice, but it’s not required, because, and we’re really stressing this here, we’re taking the high road and forgiving them first.”

Asked for comment, President Obama told Sealion News. “Oh that’s nice of them.  I agree with Madge, and also think that an apology at this time would be unnecessary.  Do we get a pin saying ‘pardoned’ or something?”

Her Majesty looked a little crestfallen at the news of a lack of apology, as if she had been expecting another result.  She then emphasized that “the badges are on their way, don’t worry about that.  Oh, and I also have to thank the American People for their gift of a $10 gift certificate to McDonald’s, acknowledging their pardon.  It means a lot.”

Adding “Have you tried their McGriddles?  Those things are amazing.”


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