(Ottawa, ON) –The leaders of all the major political parties announced this morning that they would hold off on campaigning for the next 48 hours so that the Canadian people could mourn the separation of singers Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger.
“I called Justin this morning.” Prime Minister Stephen Harper told us, referring to the leader of the Liberal Party, “he was also pretty torn up about it. I put forward the idea of holding off for a few days, and he said he’d just got off the phone with Tom, and apparently Liz had suggested something similar to him.”
“It’s just like… why? Why couldn’t those crazy kids last? It really hits home hard, you know?”
We reached out to NDP Leader Tom Mulcair for comment, but a spokesperson said that he was currently locked in his room playing ‘How You Remind Me’ and ‘Sk8ter Boi’ loudly on a loop to cover the sound of his crying. An attempt that has so far been described as ‘unsuccessful’.”
“The events of this day are not of our choosing.” Green Party Leader Elizabeth May told the assembled reporters. “But we fully choose how we react. I say, that Canada will stand together in this time. That the world itself will stand together in our grief. We can no longer afford to be consumed by our petty differences. Humanity will prevail. I know these sound like platitudes right now in your time of grief, but heed them.”
Gilles Duceppe then repeated May’s speech in French, ending it with a mic drop.
As of press time, both Avril and Chad had both independently reached out and thanked Canada’s leaders for their support.
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