(Ottawa, ON) –Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced this morning that his party would be taking a hard line on electoral fraud in this election.
“You are hearing this now, directly from me, the leader of the party, that we will not tolerate electoral fraud or underhanded tactics in ridings that we strongly believe we will win. Obviously, I’m not going to rule that shit out in ridings where we’re not sure how well we’ll do, I mean, we don’t want to lose those ridings. And ruling out such underhanded tricks could seriously put our chances of winning that riding in jeopardy.”
The Prime Minister then leaned forward onto the podium, getting casual with the attending reporters.
“You see, our entire strategy involves making people vote against their self-interest. And we do that, by giving them a target that doesn’t actually affect their life in anyway. I met with Karl Rove once, and he explained it all. You see, down in the states, the conservative side will mix in tax cuts for the wealthy and program cuts for the needy, with some good fear baiting of gay weddings and abortions. Those last two basically don’t affect anyone but the people directly involved. Then they rile everyone up about the last two, so they forget about how screwed they’ll get with the first few things.”
“I’ve been trying similar shit out up here. I’ll come out and say that we have no intention of revisiting abortion or gay marriage, but then I’ll stir up a back bencher to make some outlandish statements about them, just to get people going again. Obviously, I’ve been running out of material lately, what with this whole niqab kerfuffle. I mean, come on, does anyone think that’s actually an issue? It’s cold here nine months of the year; of course you want your face covered.”
“So to reiterate the main point here. We, the Conservative Party Of Canada, are only going to cheat if we think we’re going to lose. You really can’t ask for more than that.”