(Ottawa, ON) –Thomas Mulcair, the leader of the NDP, promised a change from the constant cycle of Liberal and Tory scandals, should his party be elected in Monday’s election.
“Frankly, Canadians are tired of the same old scandals in Ottawa. The Liberal Sponsorship scandal, the Conservative Senate Expense scandal, and so on, and so on. It’s always the same with those guys. That’s why I am here this morning to make this promise to you, the Canadian people, now.”
“If the NDP form the next government, we will not have these same scandals. Far from it, we shall have new and exciting scandals. Probably involving sex, I mean, that’s more exciting than just misappropriation of funds, amiright? There’s going to be a whole shit ton of sordid stuff going down on Parliament Hill. Pun intended. It’s going to be like Eyes Wide Shut, times a billion.”
But Mulcair does not intend to stop at just sex scandals.
“We’re really going to stir some shit up. We’ve literally never been in power at the federal level before, we’re completely untested. Ok. So you remember that guy at University, the one who was away from home for the first time ever, and his parents were kind of strict so he just lets fucking loose and goes nuts and eventually drops out? That’s going to be us! We’re going to do that! The senate? Fucking gone. Hell, we may even come in and make Canada a republic one day. Who fucking knows?! Not us! We might even change the National Anthem to Alanis’ You Outta Know. I fucking rock that shit out when we have our karaoke nights.”
“So yeah. Canada. Vote for us tomorrow, and strap in for a helluva ride!”