Canada To Implement Strict New Guidelines For Refugees

(Ottawa, ON) –This morning, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced a series of strict measures that would be used as acceptance criteria for Syrian refugees fleeing ISIL attacks on their homes.

“Look, this is undoubtedly a human rights issue, but we also have to look out for ourselves here.  We can’t just let anyone in.  That’s why we’ve developed these stronger guidelines.  And these will apply to immigrants as well, not just refugees.  We feel very strongly that these measures will help maintain a strong Canadian society.”

These new measures include:

-Knowing the difference between they’re, there, & their

-Knowing how to turn off the caps lock key in online debates

-Passing the Aunt Jemima’s/real Maple Syrup taste test challenge

-Identifying the Canadian teams on the poster of NHL logos

-Ordering a double-double correctly at the mock Tim Horton’s

-Pinkie swearing that they have never been and never will be a member of ISIL

The Prime Minister continued. “Obviously, we all know at least one person on Facebook who can’t use ‘there’ properly, and yeah, he’s dragging our side down and making us all look bad.  So that’s why we’ve put that one up on the list.  Hopefully, the numbers of people who can do English proper will increasify and no one will notice that guy as often as they would of if we didn’t stress that.  Oh, and obviously the caps lock thing is important too.  There’s seriously no need to ‘yell’, that’s a huge pet peeve of mine.  As is, ironically, the use of the term ‘pet peeve’.”


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