Wildlife Refuge Employee Now Eating Lunch At Desk

(Malheur Wildlife Refuge, Oregon) –Blake Dyres, an administrator at the Malheur bird sanctuary reported to SLN this morning that he has taken to eating his lunch at his desk after a series of deliveries to the occupying militia turned out not to be what they had expected.

“They’re all really nice guys, and it’s great that they let me go home in an evening and come in to do my job every day.  They know I’m just doing my job and don’t make a big deal of my working for the government.  So that parts not bad.  But lately, it’s just been getting super awkward to eat my lunch in the breakroom.”

“I guess it’s all those bags of candy dicks they’ve been getting from people on the internet.  It’s literally all they have to eat now.  It’s like being trapped in a building full of 5 year olds, they’re always eating candy.”

“When this whole thing kicked off, it was good.  They even let me go out to Subway.  But the last couple of weeks, I can tell that there’s at least one of them that was considering asking me to get him something too.  So I started bringing things from home.”

“Luckily, my wife is a great cook, and there’s just the two of us, so there are often left overs.  But the other day, I was eating some shepherd’s pie, and that creepy bald guy started checking his gun.  While I’m eating!  So now I eat at my desk.  I heat it up quickly in the microwave and make some small talk, then hustle back here.”

“It’s not too bad.  Plus I get the internet here, so I’ve been watching Making a Murderer on Netflix.  Wow, that’s messed up.”

As for the militia themselves, it seems that they are starting to realize that they may have asked for too much in their wish list they had posted online

“If I’m honest, looking back, yeah, it was kinda douchey to ask for that much stuff.  But fucking Scott was like ‘hey, this is a wish list, no harm in asking, right?’  Fucking Scott.  So now we look like entitled douche nozzles asking for fucking 1200 thread count pillow cases and French vanilla creamer.”

“And yeah, asking for boots, underwear, and jackets makes it look like we didn’t think anything through in advance and thought this wouldn’t take longer than an afternoon.”

“Asking for gaming supplies, that was more of a joke.  John was like ‘ask for gaming supplies, it’ll be hilarious.’”

“But easily the worst part of this whole thing, apart from Jim-Bob forgetting his deodorant, is watching Blake eat his damned lunch.  It’s bad enough that he microwaved some salmon the other day, salmon and unwashed Jim-Bob is not a combination I expect Calvin Klein to be releasing anytime soon, but sometimes it actually smells good and then he just disappears into his office with it.  Meanwhile, we have Miracle Whip sandwiches because nobody has sent us burgers, hot dogs, or brats yet.”

“And fuck you if you think a brat and a hot dog are the same thing.  Miles apart. They’re miles apart.”

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