(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies. Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.
According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.
“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile. We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported. So there was no case there. Well, that and he was dead.”
“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else. My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection. I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”
Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.
“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about. If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place. So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.
“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it. Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet. I didn’t do it yet. Clearly. Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet. I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’. I added that years ago.”
At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note? I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it. Is it any good? Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better? I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again. AT ALL! It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare. As I’ve repeatedly stated.”
Read More Here