(Birmingham, UK) –Eyewitnesses at the scene were reportedly confused and subsequently amused by one man’s awkward interaction with a local pigeon outside the Bullring in Birmingham city centre earlier today.
When reached for comment, Francis Rutledge agreed to speak with us on a strict condition of anonymity.
“Frankly, it took far longer to resolve than I would ever have anticipated.” The unknown man that we definitely didn’t just name in the previous paragraph told us.
“I was walking along, lost in thought, and I sort of registered that a pigeon was walking on the ground ahead of me. Well, I sort of started moving over to the right. I was still some 15 feet from it at that point.”
“But at 10 feet, the pigeon started moving to the right to get out of the way of the person in front of me. Now they had some damned confidence. Just strode right past it and made the pigeon move. It was a breathtaking scene to behold.”
“Unfortunately, then it was my turn, and the pigeon didn’t keep moving out of the way. It kind of stopped and stood there. It may have been panicking a little, I don’t know. I do know that my anxiety was shooting up.”
“We then had one of those both step in the same direction and block each other moments. I’m sure if anyone had noticed then it would be embarrassing, but frankly, I’m sure that it felt like it lasted longer than it actually did.”
Sadly, the man known only by his initials, F.R., was incorrect in this assertion. One bystander spoke to us.
“Holy shit. That guy and the pigeon were doing that weird dance thing for 20 minutes. Swear to God. At first I was just watching, and it was kinda funny, we’ve all been there. But then it kept going, and I thought, well, shit, I might as well film this to YouTube. So I hurriedly got my phone out, hoping to catch the end, but there was still 15 minutes. I actually had to stop filming as it was using up all my data, and frankly, it was getting sad.”
“Eventually, one of the pigeon’s buddies flew down and they both took off the other way.”
SLN tracked down the pigeon later in the day.
“That fucking guy was all over me!” The pigeon told us, obviously not having a name other than pigeon because it’s a pigeon. “I would step left, so would he. So I’d go left, and that fucking guy would as well. I was all like ‘pick a lane you sonuva bitch!’ but he kept going in the same direction I would. ‘Which way are you going, you psychotic bastard!’ I cooed. I’ll tell ya, I really wish I could make a noise other than a coo. It really makes it hard to accurately convey emotion. I was fucking terrified of this guy and his mindgames. Finally, Pigeon came over, calmed me down, and we went off to shit on cars coming out of the carwash.”
“Still. Just thinking about that guy and his cold, expressionless face makes me nervous. Shit. It was a lucky escape.”
“Plus I got to shit on some clean cars, so the day kind of broke even.”