Lawmakers Found To Have Not Broken Money Laws

(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies.  Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.

According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.

“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile.  We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported.  So there was no case there.  Well, that and he was dead.”

“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else.  My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection.  I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”

Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.

“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about.  If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place.  So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.

“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it.  Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet.  I didn’t do it yet.  Clearly.  Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet.  I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’.  I added that years ago.”

At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note?  I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it.  Is it any good?  Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better?  I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again.  AT ALL!  It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare.  As I’ve repeatedly stated.”

 

Read More Here

Senior Tories Named In Panama Papers

David Cameron Claims To Have Not Benefited

Iceland’s PM Resigns Over Panama Papers

CONSPIRACY PROVEN! Premier Notley Mastermind Behind Oil Patch Woes

(Edmonton, AB) –Sealion News’ crack investigative reporting team has uncovered compelling evidence linking Premier Rachel Notley to a conspiracy to drop oil prices and gain power in Alberta.

The evidence, attached below, is an email chain dated in July of 2014, between Notley when she was just an MLA, and the King of Saudi Arabia and details their collusion to increase production and drop oil prices resulting in a recession in Alberta and Notley’s rise to power.

We spoke with Wildrose Party Leader Brian Jean.

“This email is proof of what we’ve been saying all along.  A lot of people thought we were bat shit crazy for blaming all of the oil industries problems on Premier Notley after she was elected to power 6 months after the oil price started dropping.  But now we see that it was all part of her master plan.”

“This is clearly a woman who despises the oil industry, as we read in the email, and is manipulating events to bring it down.”

However, the leader of the opposition did not have all of the answers. “Frankly, I’m not sure how she could have bullied a member of the Saud family so easily.  He does seem to have caved really quickly.  I’m not sure how she did that.  Oh.  Now that’s odd.  A small red dot just appeared on your chest.”

We also spoke with a former aide of the Premier’s, who confirmed the authenticity of the emails.

“Oh that’s definitely how she speaks.  I always found it a little off putting when she’d end emails with ‘Muahahahahahahaha’ but that’s definitely her.  You weren’t followed, were you?  Why is there an black SUV outside with 5 aerials on the roof?  Oh shit, some guys are getting out.  We’ve been made.  You were followed you jackass!  The one thing I told you not to be!”

 

See the incriminating evidence below!

Conspiracy page 1
Email Page #1
Conspiracy page 2
Email Page #2
Conspiracy page 3
Email Page #3

 

Sales Of Walk-In Ovens Continue To Stagnate

(New York, USA) –Manufacturing and corporate juggernaut GE released information this morning showing that the sales of their new product are continuing to stagnate, despite months of an advertising campaign targeting restaurants and hotels.

The new GE walk-in oven was created when innovators realized that while kitchen staff could easily refrigerate and freeze large amounts of items and gain easy access with a walk in freezer, there was really no opportunity for large scale baking and cooking opportunities on the market.

The new walk-in oven allows for 20 sq.ft of food baking area, with a height of 9’, and allows for up to 3 people to work comfortably in that area.  The oven can reach a temperature of 350 Fahrenheit in less than 7.4 minutes (specifically, 7.39 minutes), and can increase all the way up to 600 F.

The oven even comes with safety equipment for the staff.  Specifically, a pair of latex gloves, and a sweat band.

GE does not understand why there is so little interest from restaurants in utilizing this ground breaking and time saving device.

Doritos Announces Two New Flavours In Wake Of Controversy

(Purchase, NY) –Frito-Lay, the owner of the popular Doritos™ brand has announced the upcoming release of two additional flavours of chips, in the wake of the recent controversy surrounding their Rainbow flavoured Doritos™.

“Frankly, we weren’t sure if the Rainbow chips were going to be popular or not.” A spokesperson told us. “It’s a chip that’s to raise awareness of the It Gets Better Project®.  That’s literally it, there’s not even a different taste between the chips, they’re just a different colour.”

“But apparently, all the crazy people came out and now we’re having to release a new flavour of chip just to appease those ass-holes now.  That’s why we’re not really proud at all to announce the upcoming release of the new Body of Christ & Blood of Christ flavours of Doritos™.”

“Body of Christ will essentially be a regular chip, pretty much a Tostito.  It’s a bag of Tostitos.”

“Blood of Christ was a little trickier to do, that one is red wine flavoured.  It’s as nasty as you’d think.”

“We didn’t even want to release these chips.  Pretty much every single member of the focus group hated them.  One person said they tasted like ‘concentrated hatred’.  So that’s not irony or anything.”

Asked for comment, opponents of the rainbow chips sounded delighted at the news.

“It’s about time big potato chip stopped persecuting us and provided chip flavours that all of America can enjoy.  I myself was a member of the focus group on these, and I found them to be absolutely delightful.  Only ketchup chips taste better, in my opinion.”

 

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BuzzFeed

Mashable

New Airbus Allows You To “Get The Hell Out Of Town” Faster Than Ever Before

(Toulouse, FR) –French aircraft manufacturer Airbus announced a patent this week on a design that would allow an aircraft to travel at 4.5 times the speed of sound, or get you out of the hell hole you currently live in faster than ever before.

“We’re always looking to give our customers value.” The press release said, “and nothing says value than being able to get the fuck out of town really fucking fast.”

The new design would enable a traveller to travel from New York to London (the international standard in measuring long distance flights) in less than an hour.  Alternatively, it could get you out of that situation with the girl you met at the bar last night in considerably less time.

Governments everywhere are already reacting to the news of the rapid travel time the aircraft would allow.

“We’ll start by reducing the number of employees working at customs desks, and in airport security.  Fewer baggage handlers as well.  This will add a lot of time to the beginning and end points of a journey.  Basically, we’re not letting them off the hook that easily.  You will still have to pay the ‘getting out of town’ tax.  Once that’s really hitting home, then we’ll again start randomly banning things from flights.  Like, I dunno, pens?  Yeah, you could maybe stab someone with one of those.  Pens.  That’s coming.

“Pencils too, I guess.  Crayons would be a natural extension of that.  Now you’ll have an hour long flight with children not being entertained by colouring books.  They still like coloring, right?  Markers.  But not erasers.  That’ll be nice and frustrating.  Getting rid of everything you could use to write, but not the other stationery.  Then protractors, because of reasons.”

The representative then laughed gleefully.  “Oh, oh you’ll still regret flying.  There’s no way we’ll be making this easy.”

Airbus’ promotional materials about the announcement indicate that the new plane is perfect for the following people.

  • Accidental murderers
  • Intentional murderers
  • Business people
  • Business man who woke up with a dead hooker in his bed
  • Man whose wife just went into labour on other side of world
  • Woman who wants to go into labour on other side of world
  • Drunk bachelor/bachelorette party
  • Phileas Fogg

 

Read More Here

 

CBC

Time

Caramilk Or Dairy Milk With Caramel: You Decide

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, I stopped by one of those wonderful British candy shops the other day, the one at West Edmonton Mall to be specific.  It’s a great place, although it was out of Cadbury Fudge bars at the time.

I picked up a bag of prawn cocktail crisps, and two Dairy Milk with Caramel bars, one for the wife.

Obviously, the DMWC is analogous to North America’s beloved Caramilk, but I have to wonder how the marketing meeting went down for that.

 

Setting: A board room somewhere in North America, a spokesman from Cadbury is waiting for a new product idea from his marketing group.

Junior Marketer: We know you’re going to love this idea.  People love the Dairy Milk chocolate bar.
Other Marketer: They love it.  So much love.

JM: But they also love Twix’s and Mars’, and what do they have?  Caramel.  Our idea for a chocolate bar is to take that block style of chocolate from the dairy milk, and fill the block with caramel.

Cadbury Executive: I love where this is going.  Ideas on the name?

JM: There can be only one name for this.  It’s a Dairy Milk with Caramel, so the name could only be CaraMilk.

CE: Brilliant!  Let’s get this made.

There are excited high fives all around.

 

And let’s compare that to the UK version of events

 

Setting: A board room somewhere in England, a spokesman from Cadbury is waiting for a new product idea from his marketing group.

Junior Marketer: We know you’re going to love this idea.  People love the Dairy Milk chocolate bar.
Other Marketer: They love it.  So much love.

JM: But they also love Twix’s and Mars’, and what do they have?  Caramel.  Our idea for a chocolate bar is to take that block style of chocolate from the dairy milk, and fill the block with caramel.

Cadbury Executive: I love where this is going.  Ideas on the name?

JM: There can be only one name for this.  It’s a Dairy Milk with Caramel, so…

CE: BRILLIANT!  I love it!

JM: Ah, well, actually, we were going to suggest that the name be…

CE: Kid, you’ve made the sale, stop talking!

There are nervous high fives all around, with one enthusiastic one.

 

Now, I kid, but in all seriousness, the DMWC is way better.