Trudeau Tired Of Being ‘Fuck’ Option

(Ottawa, ON) –Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that, while he appreciates the thought, he is getting tired of constantly being everyone’s ‘fuck’ option in the popular thought experiment game ‘fuck, marry, kill’.

“It’s, um, it’s like a burden, you know?” The PM told us. “Why is no one, ah, picking me as the marry option?  Do they not realize that marrying me would lead to lots of love making? Tantric shit too. I know some moves. It’s 2017 guys, return the favour.”

Perhaps most surprising of all is the lack of Albertans choosing the ‘kill’ option for the current PM given the province’s distaste for his father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. We spoke to one Albertan.

“Well, it was my first thought, if I’m honest. But then I thought, hey, maybe I can fuck him like he’s fucking our province over.  A province that frequently cuts a cheque directly to each and every person in Quebec, including non-taxpayers, and gets and asks for nothing in return except for right now. But then I think of those blue eyes, eyes you can get lost in, and well, I crumble a little and think about how comfortable he’d make me feel while we explored each other’s bodies and took each other to unimaginable heights of pleasure.  But hey, if you’re getting the milk, why buy the cow, amiright?”

Also unimpressed with his continued option is former Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

“How am I everyone’s ‘kill’ option? Not even one ‘marry’?  Who doesn’t love the Lego hair? You’d think there’d be at least one person, on the planet, who’s into this,” here the former PM turned around and presented his posterior for inspection, “Right? Check out how firm that ass is.  Do it.  Grab a handful.  See?  It’s amazingly tight.  Tighter than JT’s is, I can guarantee you that.” He said, beginning to twerk. “Come on.  Surely if the choice was between me, Davey Cameron, and Idi Amin, I’d not still be the ‘kill’ option.” Adding, “Fuck” in exasperation as people in droves chose to marry Idi Amin.

CONSPIRACY PROVEN! Premier Notley Mastermind Behind Oil Patch Woes

(Edmonton, AB) –Sealion News’ crack investigative reporting team has uncovered compelling evidence linking Premier Rachel Notley to a conspiracy to drop oil prices and gain power in Alberta.

The evidence, attached below, is an email chain dated in July of 2014, between Notley when she was just an MLA, and the King of Saudi Arabia and details their collusion to increase production and drop oil prices resulting in a recession in Alberta and Notley’s rise to power.

We spoke with Wildrose Party Leader Brian Jean.

“This email is proof of what we’ve been saying all along.  A lot of people thought we were bat shit crazy for blaming all of the oil industries problems on Premier Notley after she was elected to power 6 months after the oil price started dropping.  But now we see that it was all part of her master plan.”

“This is clearly a woman who despises the oil industry, as we read in the email, and is manipulating events to bring it down.”

However, the leader of the opposition did not have all of the answers. “Frankly, I’m not sure how she could have bullied a member of the Saud family so easily.  He does seem to have caved really quickly.  I’m not sure how she did that.  Oh.  Now that’s odd.  A small red dot just appeared on your chest.”

We also spoke with a former aide of the Premier’s, who confirmed the authenticity of the emails.

“Oh that’s definitely how she speaks.  I always found it a little off putting when she’d end emails with ‘Muahahahahahahaha’ but that’s definitely her.  You weren’t followed, were you?  Why is there an black SUV outside with 5 aerials on the roof?  Oh shit, some guys are getting out.  We’ve been made.  You were followed you jackass!  The one thing I told you not to be!”

 

See the incriminating evidence below!

Conspiracy page 1
Email Page #1
Conspiracy page 2
Email Page #2
Conspiracy page 3
Email Page #3

 

Canada To Implement Strict New Guidelines For Refugees

(Ottawa, ON) –This morning, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced a series of strict measures that would be used as acceptance criteria for Syrian refugees fleeing ISIL attacks on their homes.

“Look, this is undoubtedly a human rights issue, but we also have to look out for ourselves here.  We can’t just let anyone in.  That’s why we’ve developed these stronger guidelines.  And these will apply to immigrants as well, not just refugees.  We feel very strongly that these measures will help maintain a strong Canadian society.”

These new measures include:

-Knowing the difference between they’re, there, & their

-Knowing how to turn off the caps lock key in online debates

-Passing the Aunt Jemima’s/real Maple Syrup taste test challenge

-Identifying the Canadian teams on the poster of NHL logos

-Ordering a double-double correctly at the mock Tim Horton’s

-Pinkie swearing that they have never been and never will be a member of ISIL

The Prime Minister continued. “Obviously, we all know at least one person on Facebook who can’t use ‘there’ properly, and yeah, he’s dragging our side down and making us all look bad.  So that’s why we’ve put that one up on the list.  Hopefully, the numbers of people who can do English proper will increasify and no one will notice that guy as often as they would of if we didn’t stress that.  Oh, and obviously the caps lock thing is important too.  There’s seriously no need to ‘yell’, that’s a huge pet peeve of mine.  As is, ironically, the use of the term ‘pet peeve’.”

Trudeau Campaign: Has Anyone Suggested ‘Change’ Yet?

(Ottawa, ON) –Liberal Party of Canada leader Justin Trudeau reportedly had a personal hand in the selection of the current slogan for the election, Real Change.

“It was really hard to come up with, if I’m honest.  But we got there.  I was like, let’s try to delve deep into the minds of the voters.  What is their big frustration?  Well, they’re tired of the same old thing happening in Parliament.  So what’s the solution to that?  Change, change is the solution.  So that’s where we got the idea from.  It arose pretty organically, really.  I’m pretty sure that we’re the first non-incumbent political party on the planet that has ever come up with the idea of promising change.  Real Change, if you will.”

“But that’s today’s Liberal Party.  We think outside the box.  In fact, we even get all of our catering done by Taco Bell.  Yeah, we think outside the bun too!” Trudeau told us excitedly.

Asked for comment, Green Party leader Elizabeth May told us “I seriously can’t believe I’ll get fewer votes than this guy.”

 

a politician promises change

Conservatives Make Startling Pledge On Election Fraud

(Ottawa, ON) –Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced this morning that his party would be taking a hard line on electoral fraud in this election.

“You are hearing this now, directly from me, the leader of the party, that we will not tolerate electoral fraud or underhanded tactics in ridings that we strongly believe we will win.  Obviously, I’m not going to rule that shit out in ridings where we’re not sure how well we’ll do, I mean, we don’t want to lose those ridings.  And ruling out such underhanded tricks could seriously put our chances of winning that riding in jeopardy.”

The Prime Minister then leaned forward onto the podium, getting casual with the attending reporters.

“You see, our entire strategy involves making people vote against their self-interest.  And we do that, by giving them a target that doesn’t actually affect their life in anyway.  I met with Karl Rove once, and he explained it all.  You see, down in the states, the conservative side will mix in tax cuts for the wealthy and program cuts for the needy, with some good fear baiting of gay weddings and abortions.  Those last two basically don’t affect anyone but the people directly involved.  Then they rile everyone up about the last two, so they forget about how screwed they’ll get with the first few things.”

“I’ve been trying similar shit out up here.  I’ll come out and say that we have no intention of revisiting abortion or gay marriage, but then I’ll stir up a back bencher to make some outlandish statements about them, just to get people going again.  Obviously, I’ve been running out of material lately, what with this whole niqab kerfuffle.  I mean, come on, does anyone think that’s actually an issue?  It’s cold here nine months of the year; of course you want your face covered.”

“So to reiterate the main point here.  We, the Conservative Party Of Canada, are only going to cheat if we think we’re going to lose.  You really can’t ask for more than that.”

 

conservatives refuse to stop electoral fraud

NDP Promise A Change From Tory/Liberal Scandals

(Ottawa, ON) –Thomas Mulcair, the leader of the NDP, promised a change from the constant cycle of Liberal and Tory scandals, should his party be elected in Monday’s election.

“Frankly, Canadians are tired of the same old scandals in Ottawa.  The Liberal Sponsorship scandal, the Conservative Senate Expense scandal, and so on, and so on.  It’s always the same with those guys.  That’s why I am here this morning to make this promise to you, the Canadian people, now.”

“If the NDP form the next government, we will not have these same scandals.  Far from it, we shall have new and exciting scandals.  Probably involving sex, I mean, that’s more exciting than just misappropriation of funds, amiright?  There’s going to be a whole shit ton of sordid stuff going down on Parliament Hill.  Pun intended.  It’s going to be like Eyes Wide Shut, times a billion.”

But Mulcair does not intend to stop at just sex scandals.

“We’re really going to stir some shit up.  We’ve literally never been in power at the federal level before, we’re completely untested.  Ok.  So you remember that guy at University, the one who was away from home for the first time ever, and his parents were kind of strict so he just lets fucking loose and goes nuts and eventually drops out?  That’s going to be us!  We’re going to do that!  The senate?  Fucking gone.  Hell, we may even come in and make Canada a republic one day.  Who fucking knows?!  Not us!  We might even change the National Anthem to Alanis’ You Outta Know.  I fucking rock that shit out when we have our karaoke nights.”

“So yeah.  Canada.  Vote for us tomorrow, and strap in for a helluva ride!”

 

NDP Promise Sex Scandals

“Christian” Confuses Being A Whiny Little Bitch With Having Convictions

(Calgary, AB) –A local whiny little bitch is reportedly refusing to drive a bus with advertising on it, despite the fact that driving buses with advertising on them is literally his job, and the fact that he has not actually been asked to drive it.

The WLB, who has worked for Calgary Transit for about a year now, is somehow under the impression that being told he is a whiny little bitch is persecution for his beliefs, and not a statement of fact.

The “man” is reportedly uncomfortable driving a rainbow coloured bus, because it advertises Calgary’s Pride week, and driving that bus around town would somehow count as ‘condoning’ that behaviour in the exact same way that the c-train driver with a train advertising the new Mazda MX-5 is an avid Mazda enthusiast.

We spoke to a driver on another route.

“Oh, it’s absolutely the case that the drivers endorse the products or services being advertised in and on their buses. It adds a lot of time to turnaround between drivers, but I handpicked every single advertisement on this bus.”

“That’s why there are so many Viagra ones lining the roof back there, and why I’m pushing the Brainasium at the Telus Spark Center on the side. So I can definitely see his point. Do you have a few minutes, and I can tell you all about what’s new at Starbucks?”

 

Read More Here

 

CBC

National Post