Trudeau Tired Of Being ‘Fuck’ Option

(Ottawa, ON) –Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that, while he appreciates the thought, he is getting tired of constantly being everyone’s ‘fuck’ option in the popular thought experiment game ‘fuck, marry, kill’.

“It’s, um, it’s like a burden, you know?” The PM told us. “Why is no one, ah, picking me as the marry option?  Do they not realize that marrying me would lead to lots of love making? Tantric shit too. I know some moves. It’s 2017 guys, return the favour.”

Perhaps most surprising of all is the lack of Albertans choosing the ‘kill’ option for the current PM given the province’s distaste for his father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. We spoke to one Albertan.

“Well, it was my first thought, if I’m honest. But then I thought, hey, maybe I can fuck him like he’s fucking our province over.  A province that frequently cuts a cheque directly to each and every person in Quebec, including non-taxpayers, and gets and asks for nothing in return except for right now. But then I think of those blue eyes, eyes you can get lost in, and well, I crumble a little and think about how comfortable he’d make me feel while we explored each other’s bodies and took each other to unimaginable heights of pleasure.  But hey, if you’re getting the milk, why buy the cow, amiright?”

Also unimpressed with his continued option is former Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

“How am I everyone’s ‘kill’ option? Not even one ‘marry’?  Who doesn’t love the Lego hair? You’d think there’d be at least one person, on the planet, who’s into this,” here the former PM turned around and presented his posterior for inspection, “Right? Check out how firm that ass is.  Do it.  Grab a handful.  See?  It’s amazingly tight.  Tighter than JT’s is, I can guarantee you that.” He said, beginning to twerk. “Come on.  Surely if the choice was between me, Davey Cameron, and Idi Amin, I’d not still be the ‘kill’ option.” Adding, “Fuck” in exasperation as people in droves chose to marry Idi Amin.

CONSPIRACY PROVEN! Premier Notley Mastermind Behind Oil Patch Woes

(Edmonton, AB) –Sealion News’ crack investigative reporting team has uncovered compelling evidence linking Premier Rachel Notley to a conspiracy to drop oil prices and gain power in Alberta.

The evidence, attached below, is an email chain dated in July of 2014, between Notley when she was just an MLA, and the King of Saudi Arabia and details their collusion to increase production and drop oil prices resulting in a recession in Alberta and Notley’s rise to power.

We spoke with Wildrose Party Leader Brian Jean.

“This email is proof of what we’ve been saying all along.  A lot of people thought we were bat shit crazy for blaming all of the oil industries problems on Premier Notley after she was elected to power 6 months after the oil price started dropping.  But now we see that it was all part of her master plan.”

“This is clearly a woman who despises the oil industry, as we read in the email, and is manipulating events to bring it down.”

However, the leader of the opposition did not have all of the answers. “Frankly, I’m not sure how she could have bullied a member of the Saud family so easily.  He does seem to have caved really quickly.  I’m not sure how she did that.  Oh.  Now that’s odd.  A small red dot just appeared on your chest.”

We also spoke with a former aide of the Premier’s, who confirmed the authenticity of the emails.

“Oh that’s definitely how she speaks.  I always found it a little off putting when she’d end emails with ‘Muahahahahahahaha’ but that’s definitely her.  You weren’t followed, were you?  Why is there an black SUV outside with 5 aerials on the roof?  Oh shit, some guys are getting out.  We’ve been made.  You were followed you jackass!  The one thing I told you not to be!”

 

See the incriminating evidence below!

Conspiracy page 1
Email Page #1
Conspiracy page 2
Email Page #2
Conspiracy page 3
Email Page #3

 

“Christian” Confuses Being A Whiny Little Bitch With Having Convictions

(Calgary, AB) –A local whiny little bitch is reportedly refusing to drive a bus with advertising on it, despite the fact that driving buses with advertising on them is literally his job, and the fact that he has not actually been asked to drive it.

The WLB, who has worked for Calgary Transit for about a year now, is somehow under the impression that being told he is a whiny little bitch is persecution for his beliefs, and not a statement of fact.

The “man” is reportedly uncomfortable driving a rainbow coloured bus, because it advertises Calgary’s Pride week, and driving that bus around town would somehow count as ‘condoning’ that behaviour in the exact same way that the c-train driver with a train advertising the new Mazda MX-5 is an avid Mazda enthusiast.

We spoke to a driver on another route.

“Oh, it’s absolutely the case that the drivers endorse the products or services being advertised in and on their buses. It adds a lot of time to turnaround between drivers, but I handpicked every single advertisement on this bus.”

“That’s why there are so many Viagra ones lining the roof back there, and why I’m pushing the Brainasium at the Telus Spark Center on the side. So I can definitely see his point. Do you have a few minutes, and I can tell you all about what’s new at Starbucks?”

 

Read More Here

 

CBC

National Post

Corn Somehow Better Than Other Corn

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, I’ve been in Canada for just over 24 years now, and in Calgary for just over 10 of those.  One of the first things I noticed in Calgary that first summer, was signs in parking lots everywhere saying there was a guy selling “Taber Corn” from a truck.

Honestly, I had no idea what “Taber” corn was, or how it was different from regular corn.  Perhaps it was like a potato and a sweet potato, or like an apple and a pineapple.

Eventually, I cared enough, asked a co-worker and discovered that ultimately, no, it’s not like that at all.  Taber corn is exactly the same as regular corn, only it’s from some place called Taber, out between Lethbridge and Medicine Hat.

Despite it still being corn, I was assured by multiple people that this corn was somehow better than every other corn out there.

Let’s think about that for a minute, readers.  It’s corn.  Realistically, how high is the bar set?

I asked one of these people how they prepare it.  They prepare it exactly like any other corn on a cob.  But I was told that “It has a really great buttery taste.”  I asked what she put on it. “Butter.  And some salt.”  What about margarine? “You can’t put margarine on Taber corn, that’s like sacrilege.  It has to be butter made from a cow that day, churned by some artisan butter guy.”

Readers.  It’s just corn.  Regular, fucking, corn.  You’re really overreacting to this stuff.

And now I’m seeing signs for “Taber Baby Potatoes”, because potatoes are such a flavourful food to begin with.

So if you’re trying to learn some marketing for your business, I would suggest dropping by Taber.  They’ve learned how to sell the shit out of corn, so imagine what they could do for you.

SW Calgary Mailbox Left Open, Bills Totally Stolen You Guys

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, It came to my attention today that apparently yesterday a series of mailboxes were left open by Canada Post in the SW of town.  Now, I don’t really see the point of Canada Post.  I mean, sure, they continuously deliver packages and mail far cheaper than the private sector does, and sure, given the increasing amount of internet orders which is only going to continue to increase, they have a booming trade coming.  But you know, I was told by some people once that it was a dying industry and a burden on the tax payers, and well, the guy who said that had a firm handshake, and dammit that’s good enough for me.

So naturally, I went down to this neighbourhood to see what the people thought.

“Yeah.  The mailbox is all wide open, and shit.” The first person we saw told us. “And I came around later, so I don’t know if any of my mail was stolen or anything.  I mean, what about my bills, you know?  Suppose someone made off with those.  I would never know how much I owe them.  You’re putting this on the internet right?  Good.  So yeah, I guess, if I never got a bill, then that bill would end up not being paid.  And it totally sucks, because I totally have the money for Visa, which I’m guessing, is the bill that got stolen today.  So that’s why I can’t pay Visa.  Because I didn’t get the bill.  Did get this card and cheque from my Aunt though, so that’s nice.  Nice of the guys who stole my Visa bill to not steal my birthday card.”

Sadly, there was no one else on the scene to talk to.

Calgary Cowboy Cosplay Week Begins

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, it’s July 3rd and the 103rd Calgary Stampede has begun, marking ten days of cowboy cosplayers roaming the streets and horses shitting on same.  By far the most entertaining part of this week, is when you walk into a McDonalds and find only one cosplayer in his gear, standing out like a guy in a wizard costume would any other week of the year.

You see.  Cosplaying as a cowboy during stampede is a lot like wearing helmets on a ski hill.  When everyone else is wearing a helmet, you’re good.  If no one else is wearing a helmet, well then you’re just a guy walking around in public with a helmet on.

So readers, if you’re here this week.  Be nice to the only guy in the store wearing boots, jeans, a heavy cotton shirt, and of course, a hat.  It’s over 30 degrees out, so he’s already having a shitty day.

Which brings us to the horses, and how they don’t wear diapers.  Folks, I used to live on 10th avenue, and every morning there would be these horses standing around outside the building, shitting all over the road.  This is not a problem that most modern cities deal with.  Even in New York, which still has a mounted police division, they don’t let their horses shit all over the place and send a road sweeper around later.

And with all the drunk people around, that’s a hazard.

Right now you’re thinking “But you said the horses were there in the morning.”

That’s right folks, there’s lots of drunk people in the morning too.

Stampede is a hell of a time.

Man Decides Tim Horton’s Has Been Punished Enough

(Calgary, AB) –John Backlash decided to end his protest of coffee shop chain Tim Horton’s this morning, citing reasons that it had been “punished enough” for its decision to stop advertising for Enbridge Energy.

“Well, I was mad as hell that the damned hippies used their free speech to make the free market respond in a way I disagreed with, so I then used my wallet to protest that decision.  Why I haven’t had a double double from there in, ooh, must be a week now.  But now that they haven’t received my $12 for the last week, I think they’ve learned their lesson.”

Asked for comment, a spokesperson for the chain told us “We’ve really missed Jack, and we welcome him and his $12 per week back into the fold.  We’ve learned the lesson of this situation, namely to never listen to our customers, as they’re bat-shit insane.”

“Seriously, they get mad when you put advertising up, and they get mad when you take it down.  Fuck those guys.”