Shocking Star Wars Episode 8 Twist Revealed!

Sealion News has received exclusive information regarding the twist in 2017’s Star Wars sequel, still now only referred to as Episode 8.

The scene is said to occur at the climax of the film, after Kylo Ren and the other Knights of Ren invade the Resistance base in a search for Rey, Luke Skywalker, & Leia Organa, on a mission to eradicate the last of the Jedi once and for all.

It’s great stuff; we can’t wait to see how it plays out on the big screen on December 15th, 2017.



Kylo Ren lies on the floor defeated by Rey, who is standing over him, the tip of her lightsaber staff at his throat.  Ren clutches the stump of his right arm, now missing a hand.

Leia retrieves Kylo’s lightsaber and twists the handle, dropping several key components out of it.

LEIA: Rule Number 7.  Always account for all the lightsabers in the room.  You’d be surprised how often this bites people in the ass.

KYLO: What are you going to do now mother?  Try and corrupt me to your light ways?

LEIA: Oh, for fu… No.

KYLO: Kill me then?  After what I did to Han?  You should realize that after killing my father there’s no going back.

At the back of the room, Luke enters.

LEIA: Oh.  So Han never told you what happened to your father?

LUKE (to himself): This all seems familiar somehow.

KYLO: I was there!  I killed him with the lightsaber you hold in your hands.

LEIA: No.  You’re adopted.

LUKE (to himself): Nope, must’ve been imagining it.

KYLO: That’s not true!  That’s impossible!

LEIA: Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

LUKE (to himself): Force dammit. What is it with this family?

REY (to Luke): I know, right?  You guys are so dramatic.

LUKE: Us? You know that you’re… Oh.  Nobody told you yet?


Rey deactivates her lightsaber and strikes Ren in the head with the hilt, knocking him unconscious.

REY: Told me what?

LUKE: Leia, when she showed up on Ahch-To, I figured you’d told her.

LEIA: It’s not my job to tell her.  I thought you’d have at least mentioned it once during the 6 months she was training with you.

REY: Mentioned. What.

Leia indicates Luke and Kylo.

LEIA: That’s your dad.  That’s your cousin.  He’s adopted though.  His real mother is called Mara something.  Mara Green?  No, that’s not it.

LUKE: Wait.  You don’t mean Mara Jade?

LEIA: Possibly.

LUKE: Red hair, green eyes, hot as hell?

LEIA (getting concerned): Possibly.

LUKE:  Rey.  Meet your half-brother, Ben.

LEIA: Fuck.  Seriously?

LUKE: Yep.  Hey, at least naming him Ben makes sense now, huh?  I mean, it’s not like you even met the guy, and you knew him as ‘Obi-Wan’ not Ben.

LEIA: Well, it was Han’s idea to call him ‘Ben’.

LUKE: That makes even less sense.

REY: What the fuck is going on!?

LEIA: Rey, meet your father, who apparently can’t keep it in his pants.

REY: So who’s my mother then?

LUKE: Oh.  Some woman called Lumiya, but yeah, she was pretty unlikeable.  She’s dead now.

LEIA: I thought it was Callista.

LUKE: No.  Not Callista.  She’s Owen’s mother.

REY: Who the fuck is Owen?

LUKE: He’s your other half-brother.  Named after my foster father/uncle.

REY: Well, where’s he?

LUKE: He’s studying astronavigation at college on Chandrila.  Actually, you remember that guy who visited the academy a month ago.  That was him.

REY: Uh oh.

LUKE: What?

REY:  Nothing.  Erm.  Any other family members I should be aware of?

LUKE: Those are the only ones I know of.

LEIA: Now you see why we suggested he go live on an uninhabited planet for a decade and a half.

LUKE: Oh, it wasn’t uninhabited.

LEIA: Fuck dude.  Seriously?

REY: I’m out of here.  I’ll take my brother cousin here to the cells. (Continues under her breath) My family is from fucking Alabama.


5 Things You Missed In The Force Awakens

The 7th Star Wars film opens in North America this weekend, for those of you that have seen it already, here are 5 things you probably missed in your first viewing, so keep an eye out for them next time.

1) That one scene that sort of takes you out of the movie

We’ll never completely know why JJ Abrams decided to include a scene where Han Solo time travels into the future to give 10 year old JJ a high five, but for some reason, he did.  I guess you can do all sorts of things when you’re the director.

2) The Assassination of Jar Jar Binks By The Coward Captain Phasma

They were definitely going for some fan service by including a death scene for controversial figure Jar Jar Binks.  But to have a half hour long ‘Saw’-esque torture scene leading to his evisceration and beheading seems a little like overkill.  Maybe Abrams will change it to simply shooting him in the back in the Special Edition?

3) The Second Musical Number

Honestly, I don’t think many people in the viewing I attended expected Episode 7 to be a musical, and quite a few people walked out.  There sure were a lot of curse words in that second song, but damn if it isn’t catchy.  I’ll be humming that all week.  Thanks, Star Wars!

4) Having Han Continuously Shoot First

Look, I get it.  There’s a very vocal following on the internet who disagree with George’s change to A New Hope where Greedo shoots first.  Changes his character, etc, etc.  But to suddenly have Han shoot at every loud noise or surprise changes him from a lovable old rogue into a, well, into a frightened old man who really should have given up his blaster a long time ago.  Like seriously, how many shots can that thing fire before it needs reloading?

5) Supreme Leader Snoke’s Identity

Wow, this one was really a surprise.  There’d been a lot of speculation on the internet that it could be Jar Jar Binks (although, given #2 above, obviously not), or even Sheev Palpatine’s Master, Darth Plagueis.  No one could have expected that his true identity would be none other than Mitth’raw’nuruodo, better known as Grand Admiral Thrawn from the Expanded Universe.

When I saw those glowing red eyes peering out from under his hood for the first time… Chills.  I got chills.

Well done keeping that a secret Mr. Abrams.  You did far better than you did with ‘Kahn’.


For more of our Star Wars coverage, check out our section.

Exclusive: What’s In The R-Rated Version Of The Hobbit?

While other sites on the internet are merely reporting the rumours that the third Hobbit film, The Battle Of The Five Armies will be rated R when the extended edition is released in November, only Sealion News is bringing you details on exactly what the changes are.

Surprisingly, the changes are not, as other sites claim, to do with increased blood shed or gore, but are a reflection of the language used in the extended edition.

“Ultimately, we felt that some of the material we had filmed was so brilliant that it was almost a cinematic crime not to include it.” Director Peter Jackson told us.  “Richard Armitage is just brilliant, and when his character, Thorin Oakenshield, was mortally wounded by Azog, Richard really got into the mental space where Thorin would have been.  It must have been like 2 minutes of just non-stop swearing from him.  Hang on.” Mr Jackson then checked his computer, “2 minutes and 42 seconds of near constant profane remarks.  Almost 3 minutes, I guess.”

“It was truly incredible, and all ad-libbed too.  There were comments about Azog’s questionable parentage, how much pain he was in at that moment, what Azog could go and do to himself, and how to make those suggestions physically possible.  I believe at one point a seagull flew overhead, so there were some choice words about what it could go and do.  There were some truly cathartic moments where he thinks about his mistakes and details them with colourful slang terms for male, female and orc genitalia.  It was truly a sight.  And luckily, it will be shown in its entirety on the extended edition.”

“There’s also a scene where Bilbo gets a splinter and says ‘motherfucker’, and one where Smaug says “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?” before immolating someone.  But those’re nothing compared to Thorin’s scene.”


Read More Here


AV Club

Man Visits MI5 Homepage While Searching For Tom Cruise Movie

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, in a few weeks another Mission Impossible movie will come out.  No doubt, Ethan Hunt and his crew will be disavowed, again.

And is it just me, or is that the least effective threat to a spy in those movies.  “You’re disavowed, you know, until you prove your innocence or complete the mission or something.”  It’s not the threat it was in the tv show, which suggested disavowal was a more permanent state, and not something that you can do if you happen to want a weekend off.

Regardless, I came across a story of a man who was interviewed by police after spending an inordinate amount of time on the MI5 website, the government agency responsible for counter intelligence in the UK.

“I had forgotten what the subtitle of the movie was, when I started my google search, so I just punched in ‘MI5’ and chose the first link.  Turns out that wasn’t the page for the movie.  But I didn’t get that straight away.  It looked kind of spyish, so I just kept routing around, looking and reading everything.”

“I’ll be honest, I did find it a little Britain-centric for a film website about an American spy agency, but I didn’t know much about the film at the time.  Plus, Simon Pegg is in it, so that made some sense.  I did think that they’d put an extraordinary amount of detail into the website though.  They’d really gone with immersive experience for the web visitor.”

“In hindsight, it was probably filling in that comment card and signing up for their email newsletter that raised the red flags.  I may have used some rather strong phrasing about the lack of Tom Cruise information on their site.  Amongst other things.”

Asked for comment, a spokesperson for M.I.5 told us it was something that had been happening with increasing regularity over the last few months.

“Yeah, it’s been an issue.  There’s definitely been a surge in readership of our site since Ghost Protocol came out, and it’s only increased since.  We were also contacted by some LA lawyers asking if we’d consider changing our name or giving the studio the site domain.  We reached out to them through Simon Pegg and told them to piss off.”

“But yeah, given the sheer number of racial epithets used in that guy’s comment card, we felt it our duty to reach out to the RCMP and have them look into him.  That guy has some issues.”

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation is released in North America on July 31st.


Another Movie About White Male Character Green Lit

(Los Angeles, CA) –Readers, yesterday I was skimming the news sites and I came across several stories about how Lucasfilm had announced that they were going to be making and releasing a Han Solo movie in 2018.

Now, automatically, people are talking about white, male actors to fill this role, but I ask why?  Why does Han Solo need to be a white, male?  Could this “younger Han Solo” not be an elderly, Asian female?  Why does the character even need to be human?  Couldn’t Andy Serkis do the motion capture for Han Solo as a Noghri, or Muun?

Even if you absolutely have to use Chris Pratt, why not make Han Solo a Chiss, and paint Chris blue?  I mean, I can’t be the first person to think of this?  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Chiss Pratt.


Chiss Pratt


Hmm.  On second thoughts, Chiss Pratt is too good for Han Solo.  Let’s make him Thrawn!

Canada Day Tarnished By Affleck-Garner Divorce

(Ottawa, ON) –Canadians around the globe were reportedly “just not feeling it” as they awoke this Canada Day morning, citing the impending divorce of American actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.

“Our nation is in shock.”  Prime Minister Stephen Harper told an assembled crowd outside at Parliament Hill in Ottawa. “But we will endure this.  Canada Day must go on.  Mankind, will go on.”

“’Mankind’.  That word should have new meaning for all of us today.  To paraphrase President Thomas Whitmore in Independence Day, ‘We will not go quietly into the night!  We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!  Today we celebrate our Canada Day!’”  He concluded to the cheers and “Fuck Yeah’s” of the crowd.

Having finished his speech until the main one during the celebrations later today, Prime Minister Harper then nodded to the crowd and walked off the stage awkwardly.

Elsewhere in Canada, double double and maple donut sales skyrocketed.