Awkward Man Has Stand Off With Pigeon

(Birmingham, UK) –Eyewitnesses at the scene were reportedly confused and subsequently amused by one man’s awkward interaction with a local pigeon outside the Bullring in Birmingham city centre earlier today.

When reached for comment, Francis Rutledge agreed to speak with us on a strict condition of anonymity.

Continue reading “Awkward Man Has Stand Off With Pigeon”

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4 Things You Didn’t Know About Baking

  • The first baker was almost institutionalized when he declared he would grind up some of the tops of the stalks in a nearby field, mix it with the white things that come out of a chickens bottom and the fluid secreted by pulling on a cow’s udders, and then cook the resulting concoction over a fire for about half an hour.
  • Banking and finance spun out of the baking industry when a baker realized that he could get people to pre-pay for his loaves of bread. The baker also invented bank charges by cutting off a slice of the bread before giving it to his customer.
  • The use of raisins in place of chocolate chips has, to date, caused four wars when raisin cookies were part of a diplomatic gift. These wars include the cave 3 and cave 4 debacle of 5,962 BC, the Peloponnesian war, the Hundred Years’ war, and the American Civil War.  Demonstrating that humanity never learns from its past mistakes and continues to put raisins in cookies.
  • Unbeknownst to the general public, the Vietnam War was actually settled with a bake off between Richard Nixon and Lê Duẩn. Nixon’s soufflé failed to rise, resulting in a withdrawal of American troops.

Check Stop Makes Man Awkward, Cop Suspicious

(Calgary, AB) –A local socially awkward man had a bad time at a drink driving check stop Saturday night, when his nervous and confused answers to simple questions drew suspicion from the attending officers.

“Oh god, why me?” the man asked himself as he approached the checkpoint and was waved to the inspection area.

The situation reportedly got much worse after he answered that he had been drinking that night, and had had about 6 drinks.

After being asked to step out of the car and subsequently passing both a breathalyser and a field sobriety test, the man then answered the officers confusion by clarifying that they had only been diet cokes, and had contained no alcohol.

While driving away, the man suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention the glass of apple juice he had drank with dinner some six hours prior, as well as the ginger ale he had drank before leaving the bar.  He then contemplated driving back around and return to the check point, where he could give a more accurate description of the night’s drinking.

“I hate socially awkward people.” The officer told us.  “They completely muck things up by looking all shifty and nervous like they’re trying to hide something.”  He said, watching the driver pull away.  “I’ll bet you five bucks that guy has just remembered another sodding soft drink and is thinking about coming back.  I’ve had 3 other people already just do that.”

“They’re worse to deal with than the actual drunk drivers.”

Final Daily Show Ruins Local Weiner Dog’s Night

(Calgary, AB) –A local wiener dog had her night completely ruined by Jon Stewart’s last episode of The Daily Show, when one of her masters refused to go to bed until it was over at 1 a.m.

“This is some kind of bullshit, right here.” The dog, Finnie, told us.  “Usually my masters go to bed around 10:30 to 11, but tonight only one of them went upstairs then.  So what am I supposed to do?  Go up with her and get some sleep?!”

“What if mangy master eats something?  Which he actually DID, and I got the corners of his sandwich because I was downstairs staring at him incessantly for two hours and emitting a high pitched squeaking noise.”

“And then the evening got worse as a fly came in from somewhere right around the time Colbert came on; so I had to stay awake and keep an eye on that as it just flew around the room, landing on things.  I can’t go to bed at a high stress time like that!  There’s a damned fly in the room!”

“So finally, the show ends, and it’s past 1 in the goddamned morning, and he looks at me and asks ‘do you want to go out?’.  So I don’t move, because I’m pretty sure this is a trick or something.  He asks me that a few more times, nudges my butt a bit, but I just look at him like he’s some kind of idiot.  Who knows what’s out there at this time of night!  So then finally we went to bed and the ordeal was over.”

“I hate you Jon Stewart!” The dog told us emphatically that night.  “You ruined my life. Presumably forever because I have an excellent memory for these things and will not just forget about it tomorrow morning.”

 

Read More Here

10 Highlights from The Daily Show (Global)

7 Canadian moments from The Daily Show (CBC)

Weiner dog terror face

Corn Somehow Better Than Other Corn

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, I’ve been in Canada for just over 24 years now, and in Calgary for just over 10 of those.  One of the first things I noticed in Calgary that first summer, was signs in parking lots everywhere saying there was a guy selling “Taber Corn” from a truck.

Honestly, I had no idea what “Taber” corn was, or how it was different from regular corn.  Perhaps it was like a potato and a sweet potato, or like an apple and a pineapple.

Eventually, I cared enough, asked a co-worker and discovered that ultimately, no, it’s not like that at all.  Taber corn is exactly the same as regular corn, only it’s from some place called Taber, out between Lethbridge and Medicine Hat.

Despite it still being corn, I was assured by multiple people that this corn was somehow better than every other corn out there.

Let’s think about that for a minute, readers.  It’s corn.  Realistically, how high is the bar set?

I asked one of these people how they prepare it.  They prepare it exactly like any other corn on a cob.  But I was told that “It has a really great buttery taste.”  I asked what she put on it. “Butter.  And some salt.”  What about margarine? “You can’t put margarine on Taber corn, that’s like sacrilege.  It has to be butter made from a cow that day, churned by some artisan butter guy.”

Readers.  It’s just corn.  Regular, fucking, corn.  You’re really overreacting to this stuff.

And now I’m seeing signs for “Taber Baby Potatoes”, because potatoes are such a flavourful food to begin with.

So if you’re trying to learn some marketing for your business, I would suggest dropping by Taber.  They’ve learned how to sell the shit out of corn, so imagine what they could do for you.