Trudeau Tired Of Being ‘Fuck’ Option

(Ottawa, ON) –Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that, while he appreciates the thought, he is getting tired of constantly being everyone’s ‘fuck’ option in the popular thought experiment game ‘fuck, marry, kill’.

“It’s, um, it’s like a burden, you know?” The PM told us. “Why is no one, ah, picking me as the marry option?  Do they not realize that marrying me would lead to lots of love making? Tantric shit too. I know some moves. It’s 2017 guys, return the favour.”

Perhaps most surprising of all is the lack of Albertans choosing the ‘kill’ option for the current PM given the province’s distaste for his father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. We spoke to one Albertan.

“Well, it was my first thought, if I’m honest. But then I thought, hey, maybe I can fuck him like he’s fucking our province over.  A province that frequently cuts a cheque directly to each and every person in Quebec, including non-taxpayers, and gets and asks for nothing in return except for right now. But then I think of those blue eyes, eyes you can get lost in, and well, I crumble a little and think about how comfortable he’d make me feel while we explored each other’s bodies and took each other to unimaginable heights of pleasure.  But hey, if you’re getting the milk, why buy the cow, amiright?”

Also unimpressed with his continued option is former Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

“How am I everyone’s ‘kill’ option? Not even one ‘marry’?  Who doesn’t love the Lego hair? You’d think there’d be at least one person, on the planet, who’s into this,” here the former PM turned around and presented his posterior for inspection, “Right? Check out how firm that ass is.  Do it.  Grab a handful.  See?  It’s amazingly tight.  Tighter than JT’s is, I can guarantee you that.” He said, beginning to twerk. “Come on.  Surely if the choice was between me, Davey Cameron, and Idi Amin, I’d not still be the ‘kill’ option.” Adding, “Fuck” in exasperation as people in droves chose to marry Idi Amin.

Advertisements

Orange Avenger Announces Move To DC

(New York, USA) – In a press conference that astounded those in attendance, New York City’s masked vigilante, The Orange Avenger, announced this morning that he would be leaving the city he proudly protects and will be moving to Washington DC to “Drain the swamp of its fetid corruption and feral lobbyists.”

“People of New York!” The Avenger said from the podium atop the steps at City Hall, “for the past thirty years I have fought for you.  I have sought out injustice and those who would prey on the weaker of us. I have worked on the edge of the law to bring justice and hope to those who have neither.”

He looked proudly to Mayor Bloomberg and the police contingent behind him. “We have done great work in this city, old friend.  But it is time I moved on.  The police force of this fine city deserve their accolades for the work they have accomplished in cleaning out the pimps and drug dealers.  As we all know, there are no longer any pimps or drug dealers in any of the boroughs of New York now, and all the criminal bankers and embezzlers are in federal prison now.”

The Orange Avenger then asked people not to think too much about the timing of this move.

“There’s no need to think a lot about the timing here.  Yes, President-Elect Trump is also moving to Washington right now, and so I’m sure a lot of you are thinking things like ‘you know, of all the people who could bankroll the Avenger, Trump is definitely on that list.’  But you’d be wrong.  Remember?  There was that one time we both appeared in the same place at the same time?  It was a satellite uplink from Scotland, but it was live, remember?  It said ‘Live’ in the bottom corner of the screen, no way that wasn’t real.”

“Where was I?  Oh yes.  While I did not vote for Donald Judas Trump myself,” The Avenger said with a wink to brassy NYC Times Tribune reporter Nicole Noon for some reason, “as of his inauguration tomorrow he will be my President, and he deserves the best support I can provide.  Hence my move to Washington, where, frankly, my rent will be lower.” The Avenger then pointed at a member in the crowd. “This guy knows what I’m talking about.”

But the Orange Avenger had a serious warning for those elements that would seek to use his absence to fill New Yorkers with fear once more.

“Lastly, do not worry New York!  For in my stead I have placed the care of the city, not only in the hands of the fine officers of its police department, but also in the hands of my capable apprentice, The Orange Avenger Junior.”

Adding with a sigh, “Oh.  And his sidekick, Eric.” He turned to the man in the expensive suit and masquerade style mask over his eyes. “Seriously? Eric? I weep for this generation.”

The Orange Avenger turned to the crowd and assembled press once more.

“That’s me done.  Any Questions? Nope. All right.  Donny T, I mean Orange Avenger OUT!” He said, pulling the clump of press microphones from the podium and letting them all fall to the floor.

And so, with a cloud of dissipating smoke, the Orange Avenger and the Orange Avenger Jr were gone.

“Shit.” Eric said realizing he was now alone. “That was my ride.”

Lawmakers Found To Have Not Broken Money Laws

(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies.  Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.

According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.

“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile.  We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported.  So there was no case there.  Well, that and he was dead.”

“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else.  My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection.  I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”

Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.

“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about.  If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place.  So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.

“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it.  Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet.  I didn’t do it yet.  Clearly.  Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet.  I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’.  I added that years ago.”

At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note?  I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it.  Is it any good?  Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better?  I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again.  AT ALL!  It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare.  As I’ve repeatedly stated.”

 

Read More Here

Senior Tories Named In Panama Papers

David Cameron Claims To Have Not Benefited

Iceland’s PM Resigns Over Panama Papers

‘Spite’ Leading Reason For Support Of Donald Trump

(Phoenix, AZ) – A recent survey from the University of Phoenix Department of Political Science of US Presidential candidate and Republican front runner Donald Trump’s supporters has revealed startling information that a significant number of his followers are only doing so to spite another group.

“Frankly, once we started talking to his supporters , it all sort of made sense.”  Professor Bob Afett told us.  “Trump is tapping into a lot of anger, and molding it into support for his campaign.  He’s framing in people’s minds that a vote for him will somehow ‘stick it’ to someone the voter doesn’t like.”

“Environmentalists, Democrats, establishment Republicans, people who take exception to racism, women, children, the elderly, poor people. Basically, if there’s a group that have valid concerns that have expressed them in some way, Trump has found a way to antagonize that group and attract people who feel the same.”

“He is the political equivalent of those exhausts you see added to trucks.  The ones that just create plumes of black smoke.  Those do nothing except pollute the air and use up more fuel.  The only reason people get those installed is to ‘make environmentalists mad’, when clearly the primary effect is to cost the owner more money at the pump.”

“And that’s Donald Trump’s campaign.  You vote for him to make someone else mad, but you gloss over the fact that you’re really hurting yourself as well.”

 

Reasons for Trump support
Reasons for Trump support

Trump Announces Upcoming Show Will Follow His VP Pick

(New York) –In an unprecedented move in American electoral history, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced this morning that, following the Republican convention in July, he would be launching another series of The Apprentice that would follow him selecting his Vice Presidential candidate.  Donald Trump is yet to be confirmed as the Republican nominee, and so this move has many political commentators shrugging their shoulders and suggesting that it’s not really any different than anything else he’s done so far in the campaign.

“There’s really very little that surprises us about the Trump campaign anymore.”  One commentator told us.  “Inciting violence, wanting supporters to take oaths, plugging a new TV show.  You literally can’t tell satire from news with this guy anymore.  You could hear that he’s designed a uniform for his supporters to wear, or has them all wear wigs to make their hair like his, and you just shrug and say, ‘yeah, probably.’”

“This new season of The Apprentice: Vice President is going to be the best season ever.” Trump told the assembled reporters.  “Everybody is going to be in it because they all want to be my vice president.  Sarah Palin has signed up.  Ben Carson has signed up.  Christie has signed up.  Bernie Sanders personally called, and begged me to be on it, but I told him no.  Ted Cruz has already signed up, and he’s still running against me.  That’s how much of a loser he is.  Gene Simmons has signed up.  And, of course, Omarosa is going to be in it too.”

“I’m looking for the best Vice President ever, and I’m going to find them through weekly challenges pitting them against themselves.”

Asked for comment, Sarah Palin told us “Well, it seems like it’s the only way I’d ever get to be President, if I’m honest.  And darn it if the main stream media isn’t all ‘gee shucksing’ about all this already.  If you think about it, if anyone is going to get assassinated, it’s Trump.”

“I’m very smart.” Trump told us. “None of these people are ever going to be wanted to be President by the people.  Particularly Palin.  If I pick her, then no one is ever going to try to assassinate me.  I’ll be the safest, and therefore the best, President ever.”

 

Read More Here

Trump Warns Of Riots If Not Chosen (Yahoo)

Fox Cancels Debate After Trump (and Kasich) Drop Out (CNN Money)

CONSPIRACY PROVEN! Premier Notley Mastermind Behind Oil Patch Woes

(Edmonton, AB) –Sealion News’ crack investigative reporting team has uncovered compelling evidence linking Premier Rachel Notley to a conspiracy to drop oil prices and gain power in Alberta.

The evidence, attached below, is an email chain dated in July of 2014, between Notley when she was just an MLA, and the King of Saudi Arabia and details their collusion to increase production and drop oil prices resulting in a recession in Alberta and Notley’s rise to power.

We spoke with Wildrose Party Leader Brian Jean.

“This email is proof of what we’ve been saying all along.  A lot of people thought we were bat shit crazy for blaming all of the oil industries problems on Premier Notley after she was elected to power 6 months after the oil price started dropping.  But now we see that it was all part of her master plan.”

“This is clearly a woman who despises the oil industry, as we read in the email, and is manipulating events to bring it down.”

However, the leader of the opposition did not have all of the answers. “Frankly, I’m not sure how she could have bullied a member of the Saud family so easily.  He does seem to have caved really quickly.  I’m not sure how she did that.  Oh.  Now that’s odd.  A small red dot just appeared on your chest.”

We also spoke with a former aide of the Premier’s, who confirmed the authenticity of the emails.

“Oh that’s definitely how she speaks.  I always found it a little off putting when she’d end emails with ‘Muahahahahahahaha’ but that’s definitely her.  You weren’t followed, were you?  Why is there an black SUV outside with 5 aerials on the roof?  Oh shit, some guys are getting out.  We’ve been made.  You were followed you jackass!  The one thing I told you not to be!”

 

See the incriminating evidence below!

Conspiracy page 1
Email Page #1
Conspiracy page 2
Email Page #2
Conspiracy page 3
Email Page #3

 

Wildlife Refuge Employee Now Eating Lunch At Desk

(Malheur Wildlife Refuge, Oregon) –Blake Dyres, an administrator at the Malheur bird sanctuary reported to SLN this morning that he has taken to eating his lunch at his desk after a series of deliveries to the occupying militia turned out not to be what they had expected.

“They’re all really nice guys, and it’s great that they let me go home in an evening and come in to do my job every day.  They know I’m just doing my job and don’t make a big deal of my working for the government.  So that parts not bad.  But lately, it’s just been getting super awkward to eat my lunch in the breakroom.”

“I guess it’s all those bags of candy dicks they’ve been getting from people on the internet.  It’s literally all they have to eat now.  It’s like being trapped in a building full of 5 year olds, they’re always eating candy.”

“When this whole thing kicked off, it was good.  They even let me go out to Subway.  But the last couple of weeks, I can tell that there’s at least one of them that was considering asking me to get him something too.  So I started bringing things from home.”

“Luckily, my wife is a great cook, and there’s just the two of us, so there are often left overs.  But the other day, I was eating some shepherd’s pie, and that creepy bald guy started checking his gun.  While I’m eating!  So now I eat at my desk.  I heat it up quickly in the microwave and make some small talk, then hustle back here.”

“It’s not too bad.  Plus I get the internet here, so I’ve been watching Making a Murderer on Netflix.  Wow, that’s messed up.”

As for the militia themselves, it seems that they are starting to realize that they may have asked for too much in their wish list they had posted online

“If I’m honest, looking back, yeah, it was kinda douchey to ask for that much stuff.  But fucking Scott was like ‘hey, this is a wish list, no harm in asking, right?’  Fucking Scott.  So now we look like entitled douche nozzles asking for fucking 1200 thread count pillow cases and French vanilla creamer.”

“And yeah, asking for boots, underwear, and jackets makes it look like we didn’t think anything through in advance and thought this wouldn’t take longer than an afternoon.”

“Asking for gaming supplies, that was more of a joke.  John was like ‘ask for gaming supplies, it’ll be hilarious.’”

“But easily the worst part of this whole thing, apart from Jim-Bob forgetting his deodorant, is watching Blake eat his damned lunch.  It’s bad enough that he microwaved some salmon the other day, salmon and unwashed Jim-Bob is not a combination I expect Calvin Klein to be releasing anytime soon, but sometimes it actually smells good and then he just disappears into his office with it.  Meanwhile, we have Miracle Whip sandwiches because nobody has sent us burgers, hot dogs, or brats yet.”

“And fuck you if you think a brat and a hot dog are the same thing.  Miles apart. They’re miles apart.”

Read More Here:

CNN

Daily News

Death & Taxes