Shocking Star Wars Episode 8 Twist Revealed!

Sealion News has received exclusive information regarding the twist in 2017’s Star Wars sequel, still now only referred to as Episode 8.

The scene is said to occur at the climax of the film, after Kylo Ren and the other Knights of Ren invade the Resistance base in a search for Rey, Luke Skywalker, & Leia Organa, on a mission to eradicate the last of the Jedi once and for all.

It’s great stuff; we can’t wait to see how it plays out on the big screen on December 15th, 2017.



Kylo Ren lies on the floor defeated by Rey, who is standing over him, the tip of her lightsaber staff at his throat.  Ren clutches the stump of his right arm, now missing a hand.

Leia retrieves Kylo’s lightsaber and twists the handle, dropping several key components out of it.

LEIA: Rule Number 7.  Always account for all the lightsabers in the room.  You’d be surprised how often this bites people in the ass.

KYLO: What are you going to do now mother?  Try and corrupt me to your light ways?

LEIA: Oh, for fu… No.

KYLO: Kill me then?  After what I did to Han?  You should realize that after killing my father there’s no going back.

At the back of the room, Luke enters.

LEIA: Oh.  So Han never told you what happened to your father?

LUKE (to himself): This all seems familiar somehow.

KYLO: I was there!  I killed him with the lightsaber you hold in your hands.

LEIA: No.  You’re adopted.

LUKE (to himself): Nope, must’ve been imagining it.

KYLO: That’s not true!  That’s impossible!

LEIA: Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

LUKE (to himself): Force dammit. What is it with this family?

REY (to Luke): I know, right?  You guys are so dramatic.

LUKE: Us? You know that you’re… Oh.  Nobody told you yet?


Rey deactivates her lightsaber and strikes Ren in the head with the hilt, knocking him unconscious.

REY: Told me what?

LUKE: Leia, when she showed up on Ahch-To, I figured you’d told her.

LEIA: It’s not my job to tell her.  I thought you’d have at least mentioned it once during the 6 months she was training with you.

REY: Mentioned. What.

Leia indicates Luke and Kylo.

LEIA: That’s your dad.  That’s your cousin.  He’s adopted though.  His real mother is called Mara something.  Mara Green?  No, that’s not it.

LUKE: Wait.  You don’t mean Mara Jade?

LEIA: Possibly.

LUKE: Red hair, green eyes, hot as hell?

LEIA (getting concerned): Possibly.

LUKE:  Rey.  Meet your half-brother, Ben.

LEIA: Fuck.  Seriously?

LUKE: Yep.  Hey, at least naming him Ben makes sense now, huh?  I mean, it’s not like you even met the guy, and you knew him as ‘Obi-Wan’ not Ben.

LEIA: Well, it was Han’s idea to call him ‘Ben’.

LUKE: That makes even less sense.

REY: What the fuck is going on!?

LEIA: Rey, meet your father, who apparently can’t keep it in his pants.

REY: So who’s my mother then?

LUKE: Oh.  Some woman called Lumiya, but yeah, she was pretty unlikeable.  She’s dead now.

LEIA: I thought it was Callista.

LUKE: No.  Not Callista.  She’s Owen’s mother.

REY: Who the fuck is Owen?

LUKE: He’s your other half-brother.  Named after my foster father/uncle.

REY: Well, where’s he?

LUKE: He’s studying astronavigation at college on Chandrila.  Actually, you remember that guy who visited the academy a month ago.  That was him.

REY: Uh oh.

LUKE: What?

REY:  Nothing.  Erm.  Any other family members I should be aware of?

LUKE: Those are the only ones I know of.

LEIA: Now you see why we suggested he go live on an uninhabited planet for a decade and a half.

LUKE: Oh, it wasn’t uninhabited.

LEIA: Fuck dude.  Seriously?

REY: I’m out of here.  I’ll take my brother cousin here to the cells. (Continues under her breath) My family is from fucking Alabama.


5 Things You Missed In The Force Awakens

The 7th Star Wars film opens in North America this weekend, for those of you that have seen it already, here are 5 things you probably missed in your first viewing, so keep an eye out for them next time.

1) That one scene that sort of takes you out of the movie

We’ll never completely know why JJ Abrams decided to include a scene where Han Solo time travels into the future to give 10 year old JJ a high five, but for some reason, he did.  I guess you can do all sorts of things when you’re the director.

2) The Assassination of Jar Jar Binks By The Coward Captain Phasma

They were definitely going for some fan service by including a death scene for controversial figure Jar Jar Binks.  But to have a half hour long ‘Saw’-esque torture scene leading to his evisceration and beheading seems a little like overkill.  Maybe Abrams will change it to simply shooting him in the back in the Special Edition?

3) The Second Musical Number

Honestly, I don’t think many people in the viewing I attended expected Episode 7 to be a musical, and quite a few people walked out.  There sure were a lot of curse words in that second song, but damn if it isn’t catchy.  I’ll be humming that all week.  Thanks, Star Wars!

4) Having Han Continuously Shoot First

Look, I get it.  There’s a very vocal following on the internet who disagree with George’s change to A New Hope where Greedo shoots first.  Changes his character, etc, etc.  But to suddenly have Han shoot at every loud noise or surprise changes him from a lovable old rogue into a, well, into a frightened old man who really should have given up his blaster a long time ago.  Like seriously, how many shots can that thing fire before it needs reloading?

5) Supreme Leader Snoke’s Identity

Wow, this one was really a surprise.  There’d been a lot of speculation on the internet that it could be Jar Jar Binks (although, given #2 above, obviously not), or even Sheev Palpatine’s Master, Darth Plagueis.  No one could have expected that his true identity would be none other than Mitth’raw’nuruodo, better known as Grand Admiral Thrawn from the Expanded Universe.

When I saw those glowing red eyes peering out from under his hood for the first time… Chills.  I got chills.

Well done keeping that a secret Mr. Abrams.  You did far better than you did with ‘Kahn’.


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