Lawmakers Found To Have Not Broken Money Laws

(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies.  Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.

According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.

“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile.  We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported.  So there was no case there.  Well, that and he was dead.”

“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else.  My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection.  I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”

Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.

“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about.  If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place.  So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.

“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it.  Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet.  I didn’t do it yet.  Clearly.  Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet.  I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’.  I added that years ago.”

At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note?  I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it.  Is it any good?  Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better?  I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again.  AT ALL!  It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare.  As I’ve repeatedly stated.”

 

Read More Here

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David Cameron Claims To Have Not Benefited

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Queen Elizabeth To Pardon America

(London, UK) –The offices of Queen Elizabeth the second announced today that sufficient time has passed that the Crown is willing to forgive the transgressions against it by the signatories of the American Declaration of Independence.

“Whilst their acts were treasonous,” the statement began. “We are willing to forgive them without having received a public apology first.  Obviously, since they are long dead, an apology from them directly would be tricky at best, but an apology from their ‘government’ would have sufficed.  Not that we’re asking for an apology.  By pardoning them, we are taking the high road, and no longer need an apology.  Sure, if the government wanted to apologize on their behalf for all of that treason business, that would be nice, but it’s not required, because, and we’re really stressing this here, we’re taking the high road and forgiving them first.”

Asked for comment, President Obama told Sealion News. “Oh that’s nice of them.  I agree with Madge, and also think that an apology at this time would be unnecessary.  Do we get a pin saying ‘pardoned’ or something?”

Her Majesty looked a little crestfallen at the news of a lack of apology, as if she had been expecting another result.  She then emphasized that “the badges are on their way, don’t worry about that.  Oh, and I also have to thank the American People for their gift of a $10 gift certificate to McDonald’s, acknowledging their pardon.  It means a lot.”

Adding “Have you tried their McGriddles?  Those things are amazing.”

Caramilk Or Dairy Milk With Caramel: You Decide

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, I stopped by one of those wonderful British candy shops the other day, the one at West Edmonton Mall to be specific.  It’s a great place, although it was out of Cadbury Fudge bars at the time.

I picked up a bag of prawn cocktail crisps, and two Dairy Milk with Caramel bars, one for the wife.

Obviously, the DMWC is analogous to North America’s beloved Caramilk, but I have to wonder how the marketing meeting went down for that.

 

Setting: A board room somewhere in North America, a spokesman from Cadbury is waiting for a new product idea from his marketing group.

Junior Marketer: We know you’re going to love this idea.  People love the Dairy Milk chocolate bar.
Other Marketer: They love it.  So much love.

JM: But they also love Twix’s and Mars’, and what do they have?  Caramel.  Our idea for a chocolate bar is to take that block style of chocolate from the dairy milk, and fill the block with caramel.

Cadbury Executive: I love where this is going.  Ideas on the name?

JM: There can be only one name for this.  It’s a Dairy Milk with Caramel, so the name could only be CaraMilk.

CE: Brilliant!  Let’s get this made.

There are excited high fives all around.

 

And let’s compare that to the UK version of events

 

Setting: A board room somewhere in England, a spokesman from Cadbury is waiting for a new product idea from his marketing group.

Junior Marketer: We know you’re going to love this idea.  People love the Dairy Milk chocolate bar.
Other Marketer: They love it.  So much love.

JM: But they also love Twix’s and Mars’, and what do they have?  Caramel.  Our idea for a chocolate bar is to take that block style of chocolate from the dairy milk, and fill the block with caramel.

Cadbury Executive: I love where this is going.  Ideas on the name?

JM: There can be only one name for this.  It’s a Dairy Milk with Caramel, so…

CE: BRILLIANT!  I love it!

JM: Ah, well, actually, we were going to suggest that the name be…

CE: Kid, you’ve made the sale, stop talking!

There are nervous high fives all around, with one enthusiastic one.

 

Now, I kid, but in all seriousness, the DMWC is way better.

Man Visits MI5 Homepage While Searching For Tom Cruise Movie

(Calgary, AB) –Readers, in a few weeks another Mission Impossible movie will come out.  No doubt, Ethan Hunt and his crew will be disavowed, again.

And is it just me, or is that the least effective threat to a spy in those movies.  “You’re disavowed, you know, until you prove your innocence or complete the mission or something.”  It’s not the threat it was in the tv show, which suggested disavowal was a more permanent state, and not something that you can do if you happen to want a weekend off.

Regardless, I came across a story of a man who was interviewed by police after spending an inordinate amount of time on the MI5 website, the government agency responsible for counter intelligence in the UK.

“I had forgotten what the subtitle of the movie was, when I started my google search, so I just punched in ‘MI5’ and chose the first link.  Turns out that wasn’t the page for the movie.  But I didn’t get that straight away.  It looked kind of spyish, so I just kept routing around, looking and reading everything.”

“I’ll be honest, I did find it a little Britain-centric for a film website about an American spy agency, but I didn’t know much about the film at the time.  Plus, Simon Pegg is in it, so that made some sense.  I did think that they’d put an extraordinary amount of detail into the website though.  They’d really gone with immersive experience for the web visitor.”

“In hindsight, it was probably filling in that comment card and signing up for their email newsletter that raised the red flags.  I may have used some rather strong phrasing about the lack of Tom Cruise information on their site.  Amongst other things.”

Asked for comment, a spokesperson for M.I.5 told us it was something that had been happening with increasing regularity over the last few months.

“Yeah, it’s been an issue.  There’s definitely been a surge in readership of our site since Ghost Protocol came out, and it’s only increased since.  We were also contacted by some LA lawyers asking if we’d consider changing our name or giving the studio the site domain.  We reached out to them through Simon Pegg and told them to piss off.”

“But yeah, given the sheer number of racial epithets used in that guy’s comment card, we felt it our duty to reach out to the RCMP and have them look into him.  That guy has some issues.”

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation is released in North America on July 31st.

Mission-Impossible-Rogue-Nation-Logo

Sepp Blatter Resigns, Vows Revenge

(Zurich) –FIFA chief Sepp Blatter announced his resignation today, along with a promise of revenge against those who caused his downfall.

“I will have my revenge on those who have wronged me.” Mr Blatter declared in a press conference today.  “Be warned, I am coming for your beloved NFL America.  And your college league.  No game featuring the words ‘foot’ and ‘ball’ is safe from me.  I will ruin it like I have ruined so much else.  Say hello to excessive numbers of stadiums in Utah and the Dakotas.”

Mr Blatter then called out HBO satirical show host John Oliver and pointed into the camera while tracing a line across his neck with his thumb.

News In Brief – May 21st

Earlier this week, NASA launched a mysterious space plane into orbit, which is rumored to be launching an experimental ‘solar sail’ craft, which would be powered by the suns radiation, similar to how a sailboat uses the wind.  The craft will revolutionize space travel by slowing everything down to speeds commonly reserved for grandmothers on a Sunday drive.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper held a press conference this morning where he gave Canadians considering traveling to join ISIS sage advice.  “Don’t.”

Nigel Farage was mocked in European Parliament by his colleagues this week after returning to his previous job following his election loss, resignation, and unresignation.  “Those guys are jerks.” Farage told us. “They’re really mean jerk faces.  JERKS!” he exclaimed once more, directing his voice toward a group of MEP’s from Germany and Belgium.

News In Brief – May 19th

In more ‘warnings that shouldn’t have to be given’, Crayola has issued a statement this morning that the use of their product as a substitute for make-up is not recommended.  The statement began with “For Gods’ sake, people.” Ending with “What the fuck is wrong with you?” after several lines of additional cursing.

The Russian IIHF hockey team is to face sanctions after leaving the ice immediately after their loss to the Canadian team on Sunday, failing to stay for the Canadian national anthem.  A spokesperson for the team said that they were just anxious to see the footage of the game from the Zamboni dashcam.

Police in London and Kent have reportedly raided 12 addresses in connection with the Easter weekend jewel heist.  Owners of the jewels were reportedly dismayed at the news that some goods had been recovered as it would delay possible insurance pay outs.  No joke here, that’s quite real.

Finally, in news we already knew, a conservative study has agreed with every other study on the network and found that Fox News is particularly bad at the second word of its name, and is even hurting the conservative brand now.  A spokesperson for Fox proceeded to ask if the study’s authors liked letting the terrorists win.