Lawmakers Found To Have Not Broken Money Laws

(London) –In a shocking development from the recent release of the Panama Papers, it has been found that the members of the government have not actually broken any laws with their actions of hiding assets in foreign companies.  Such actions were made legal by the Making Being Rich Awesome Act of 1977, which was drafted by many of the parents of current Conservative MP’s and Lords.

According to police, a case hasn’t been this anticlimactic in some time.

“I’m not sure if you remember, but for a while there we were investigating Jimmy Savile.  We found hundreds of cases, but then it turned out that they were all perfectly legal under the Now Then Now Then Let’s Protect Them Kids Act of 1983, which he had helped draft and publicly supported.  So there was no case there.  Well, that and he was dead.”

“There are some funny laws on the books, really.” The officer continued. “Like how police are allowed to use their siren if they’re going to pick up a takeaway, or how the legal driving limit for Members of Parliament and the House of Lords is about 4 times the amount of alcohol for everybody else.  My favorite though, is how any police officer investigating a crime at a residence, is allowed to take one movie or box set from the residents collection.  I myself picked up the complete Porridge the other day. Wasn’t Ronnie Barker great?”

Other groups have applauded the release of the Panama Papers, saying it has helped their cause enormously.

“Well, now we can all see why we should be taxing the rich at a much higher rate.” John Higginsmith of the Tax The Rich Gits Foundation told us. “If we raised the rate to between 50 to 75%, we’d still only be collecting that much on the amount that the rich are declaring, they’d still have all of their houses and wealth that they’re not telling anyone about.  If you think about it, this is literally why they have tax lawyers and accountants in the first place.  So it would actually boost that section of the economy enormously, and they always say wealth will trickle down.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement this morning claiming that neither he nor his family had benefited from such tax avoidance techniques.

“Well, you know how it is.” He told assembled reporters. “Something gets put on your to-do list, and then other things get added after it.  Look, here’s my list.” Cameron said pulling a stack of papers from his pocket. “Here’s ‘hide assets in oversees shell companies’, and it’s not crossed off yet.  I didn’t do it yet.  Clearly.  Here’s another one, ‘make sure no one talks about the pig.’ I obviously didn’t get to that one yet.  I’ve only just crossed off ‘go back to Lanzarote’.  I added that years ago.”

At this point, the PM had something of a revelation. “Does anybody here use One Note?  I’ve seen that on my phone, but I’ve not opened it.  Is it any good?  Would it help me to prioritize things a bit better?  I’m just thinking that I definitely should have got on that pig by now.” Adding hastily, “By which I mean the making sure no one talks to the press about it, not fucking the pig again.  AT ALL!  It was just the tip, in its mouth, on a dare.  As I’ve repeatedly stated.”

 

Read More Here

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Canada To Implement Strict New Guidelines For Refugees

(Ottawa, ON) –This morning, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced a series of strict measures that would be used as acceptance criteria for Syrian refugees fleeing ISIL attacks on their homes.

“Look, this is undoubtedly a human rights issue, but we also have to look out for ourselves here.  We can’t just let anyone in.  That’s why we’ve developed these stronger guidelines.  And these will apply to immigrants as well, not just refugees.  We feel very strongly that these measures will help maintain a strong Canadian society.”

These new measures include:

-Knowing the difference between they’re, there, & their

-Knowing how to turn off the caps lock key in online debates

-Passing the Aunt Jemima’s/real Maple Syrup taste test challenge

-Identifying the Canadian teams on the poster of NHL logos

-Ordering a double-double correctly at the mock Tim Horton’s

-Pinkie swearing that they have never been and never will be a member of ISIL

The Prime Minister continued. “Obviously, we all know at least one person on Facebook who can’t use ‘there’ properly, and yeah, he’s dragging our side down and making us all look bad.  So that’s why we’ve put that one up on the list.  Hopefully, the numbers of people who can do English proper will increasify and no one will notice that guy as often as they would of if we didn’t stress that.  Oh, and obviously the caps lock thing is important too.  There’s seriously no need to ‘yell’, that’s a huge pet peeve of mine.  As is, ironically, the use of the term ‘pet peeve’.”

Obama Dreading Next G8 Summit

(Washington, DC) –US President Barack Obama confided in Sealion News today that he is not looking forward to the next G8 summit in Japan next year.

“Everyone is super mean to me.” He told us.  “They’re all like ‘so how’s your universal health care system going?  Oh right, you don’t have one.  Eighteenth century much!’.  Then Canada will duck behind me and Britain will push me, trying to make me fall over.  Then they’ll all laugh and say that it could have been really bad since I don’t have health care.  They’re all just great big meanies.”

“Then later, they’ll act all interested and sympathetic, and ask me a lot of questions about the most recent mass shooting.  There’s always one.  After I say how messed up it is, they always then rub it in by commenting how they don’t have that problem.  Dicks, all of them.”

But the bullying did not start with President Obama.  We spoke with former President George W Bush and found a similar story.

“Yeah, the other leaders can be pretty rough on you.  They used to ask me a lot of questions too, but it was mainly math stuff, or asking me to say ‘strategery’ or ‘nucular’.  I’m so glad I don’t have to go to those any more.”

“Apparently, it started with Reagan.  They’d hide his things, make up stuff that Iran and Panama had been saying about him behind his backs, put his hand in warm water while he slept.  That kind of stuff.  Oddly they didn’t do anything to Ford, or Carter.  I guess it was still early days and they weren’t as comfortable then.  You’d think they would be easy targets.”

North Korean Hipsters In Disarray Following Instagram Ban

(Pyongyang, North Korea) –Hipsters and teenagers in North Korea were sent into a downward spiral this week with the announcement that the government had banned access to social media site Instagram.

“We don’t think we need to be encouraging that sort of behaviour.” A government spokesperson told us.  “We think that taking pictures of your meals and sharing them is really kind of stupid, and we want it to stop.  However, we do think that everyone should use Snapchat, which is a far better venue for sending pictures of genitals around as they are quickly deleted.  That’s a behaviour that we’re told we do want to encourage.  Kim really likes sending people pictures of his junk.”

“Seriously, I got one right before this interview.”

Local teenage girls were not happy with this development.  “This sucks.  How will I take a selfie with a duck face now?  What’s the point if it deletes that quickly?”

Putin Holds Press Conference Holding Today’s Newspaper

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was rumoured to be missing since March 5th, held a press conference today where he repeatedly held up this morning’s newspaper and commented on the articles.

“As you can all see, I am fine.” President Putin told the assembled reporters.  “I’ve not disappeared myself, I’m not dead, and I certainly haven’t been in Los Angeles getting plastic surgery.” He said, as the reporters took a second look at his nose and seemingly fewer wrinkles.

“A lot of people have said that other media appearances have been pre-recorded, but here I am holding today’s newspaper.  So I am clearly still alive.  As you can see, the headline is about my reappearance at a press conference, and the picture is of me standing at a podium very like this one, holding a newspaper with a headline about my reappearance.  So there’s nothing to be concerned about here.”

“Still.  How about that Top Gear thing eh?  I fear now, that I will never get to drive the reasonably priced car and discuss how it handles with Jeremy.  This would be a tragedy.”

“What else is in the news?”  He seemed to ask rhetorically to the reporters.  “No really.  I’ve been” President Putin trailed off. “…Out of town for a few days.  And again, definitely not getting butt implants.”

President Putin then walked sideways off the stage and backed slowly out of the press conference room.

US Senators On Iran Letter: We Know Who’s To Blame

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AS) held a press conference earlier today where he proudly announced that himself, and the other 46 Republican Senators that had sent an open letter to the leadership of Iran saying that negotiating with President Obama was a fruitless endeavor, had identified who was really to blame for the breach of protocol.

“Let me first say that it clearly isn’t our own fault.  It’s not my fault, even though we used my laptop and I bought the stamp.  It’s not Rand’s fault for posting it.  We know this, I’m just stating what we know at this point.”

“We had suspected that it was President Osama’s, sorry, President Obama’s fault for trying to bring about a peaceful solution.  But we now recognize that it’s not his fault that we wrote that letter.”

“No.  The simple fact is that President Obama would not have been negotiating with Iran if it were not for the millions of American citizens that re-elected him in 2012, and also those who elected him in 2008.  This whole fiasco is placed squarely on your shoulders.”

“I hope you’re happy with yourselves.”  Senator Cotton said before starting to stride off the stage before pausing and coming back to the microphone.  “You make me sick.”  The Senator added before striding off the stage, taking one final pause to spit vengefully at the ground before slamming the door behind him.

Pope Pretty Much Daring People To Assassinate Him Now

Pope Francis caused a scene in Rome this morning when he walked through several of the cities plazas daring onlookers to “bring it”, and greeting them with a raised middle finger.

“Don’t like it?  Assassinate me, mother fucker.” He was heard to say to a group of bikers.

This marks the latest, and most blatant, action by the Pontiff attempting to get someone, anyone, to kill him.  Other attempts include comments on homosexuality that bordered on “welcoming”, discussion of corruption at the Vatican, and denouncing members of the mafia.

“They’re not biting.  Pussies.”  The Pope said, when asked for comment.