CONSPIRACY PROVEN! Premier Notley Mastermind Behind Oil Patch Woes

(Edmonton, AB) –Sealion News’ crack investigative reporting team has uncovered compelling evidence linking Premier Rachel Notley to a conspiracy to drop oil prices and gain power in Alberta.

The evidence, attached below, is an email chain dated in July of 2014, between Notley when she was just an MLA, and the King of Saudi Arabia and details their collusion to increase production and drop oil prices resulting in a recession in Alberta and Notley’s rise to power.

We spoke with Wildrose Party Leader Brian Jean.

“This email is proof of what we’ve been saying all along.  A lot of people thought we were bat shit crazy for blaming all of the oil industries problems on Premier Notley after she was elected to power 6 months after the oil price started dropping.  But now we see that it was all part of her master plan.”

“This is clearly a woman who despises the oil industry, as we read in the email, and is manipulating events to bring it down.”

However, the leader of the opposition did not have all of the answers. “Frankly, I’m not sure how she could have bullied a member of the Saud family so easily.  He does seem to have caved really quickly.  I’m not sure how she did that.  Oh.  Now that’s odd.  A small red dot just appeared on your chest.”

We also spoke with a former aide of the Premier’s, who confirmed the authenticity of the emails.

“Oh that’s definitely how she speaks.  I always found it a little off putting when she’d end emails with ‘Muahahahahahahaha’ but that’s definitely her.  You weren’t followed, were you?  Why is there an black SUV outside with 5 aerials on the roof?  Oh shit, some guys are getting out.  We’ve been made.  You were followed you jackass!  The one thing I told you not to be!”

 

See the incriminating evidence below!

Conspiracy page 1
Email Page #1
Conspiracy page 2
Email Page #2
Conspiracy page 3
Email Page #3

 

Wildlife Refuge Employee Now Eating Lunch At Desk

(Malheur Wildlife Refuge, Oregon) –Blake Dyres, an administrator at the Malheur bird sanctuary reported to SLN this morning that he has taken to eating his lunch at his desk after a series of deliveries to the occupying militia turned out not to be what they had expected.

“They’re all really nice guys, and it’s great that they let me go home in an evening and come in to do my job every day.  They know I’m just doing my job and don’t make a big deal of my working for the government.  So that parts not bad.  But lately, it’s just been getting super awkward to eat my lunch in the breakroom.”

“I guess it’s all those bags of candy dicks they’ve been getting from people on the internet.  It’s literally all they have to eat now.  It’s like being trapped in a building full of 5 year olds, they’re always eating candy.”

“When this whole thing kicked off, it was good.  They even let me go out to Subway.  But the last couple of weeks, I can tell that there’s at least one of them that was considering asking me to get him something too.  So I started bringing things from home.”

“Luckily, my wife is a great cook, and there’s just the two of us, so there are often left overs.  But the other day, I was eating some shepherd’s pie, and that creepy bald guy started checking his gun.  While I’m eating!  So now I eat at my desk.  I heat it up quickly in the microwave and make some small talk, then hustle back here.”

“It’s not too bad.  Plus I get the internet here, so I’ve been watching Making a Murderer on Netflix.  Wow, that’s messed up.”

As for the militia themselves, it seems that they are starting to realize that they may have asked for too much in their wish list they had posted online

“If I’m honest, looking back, yeah, it was kinda douchey to ask for that much stuff.  But fucking Scott was like ‘hey, this is a wish list, no harm in asking, right?’  Fucking Scott.  So now we look like entitled douche nozzles asking for fucking 1200 thread count pillow cases and French vanilla creamer.”

“And yeah, asking for boots, underwear, and jackets makes it look like we didn’t think anything through in advance and thought this wouldn’t take longer than an afternoon.”

“Asking for gaming supplies, that was more of a joke.  John was like ‘ask for gaming supplies, it’ll be hilarious.’”

“But easily the worst part of this whole thing, apart from Jim-Bob forgetting his deodorant, is watching Blake eat his damned lunch.  It’s bad enough that he microwaved some salmon the other day, salmon and unwashed Jim-Bob is not a combination I expect Calvin Klein to be releasing anytime soon, but sometimes it actually smells good and then he just disappears into his office with it.  Meanwhile, we have Miracle Whip sandwiches because nobody has sent us burgers, hot dogs, or brats yet.”

“And fuck you if you think a brat and a hot dog are the same thing.  Miles apart. They’re miles apart.”

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Death & Taxes

5 Things You Missed In The Force Awakens

The 7th Star Wars film opens in North America this weekend, for those of you that have seen it already, here are 5 things you probably missed in your first viewing, so keep an eye out for them next time.

1) That one scene that sort of takes you out of the movie

We’ll never completely know why JJ Abrams decided to include a scene where Han Solo time travels into the future to give 10 year old JJ a high five, but for some reason, he did.  I guess you can do all sorts of things when you’re the director.

2) The Assassination of Jar Jar Binks By The Coward Captain Phasma

They were definitely going for some fan service by including a death scene for controversial figure Jar Jar Binks.  But to have a half hour long ‘Saw’-esque torture scene leading to his evisceration and beheading seems a little like overkill.  Maybe Abrams will change it to simply shooting him in the back in the Special Edition?

3) The Second Musical Number

Honestly, I don’t think many people in the viewing I attended expected Episode 7 to be a musical, and quite a few people walked out.  There sure were a lot of curse words in that second song, but damn if it isn’t catchy.  I’ll be humming that all week.  Thanks, Star Wars!

4) Having Han Continuously Shoot First

Look, I get it.  There’s a very vocal following on the internet who disagree with George’s change to A New Hope where Greedo shoots first.  Changes his character, etc, etc.  But to suddenly have Han shoot at every loud noise or surprise changes him from a lovable old rogue into a, well, into a frightened old man who really should have given up his blaster a long time ago.  Like seriously, how many shots can that thing fire before it needs reloading?

5) Supreme Leader Snoke’s Identity

Wow, this one was really a surprise.  There’d been a lot of speculation on the internet that it could be Jar Jar Binks (although, given #2 above, obviously not), or even Sheev Palpatine’s Master, Darth Plagueis.  No one could have expected that his true identity would be none other than Mitth’raw’nuruodo, better known as Grand Admiral Thrawn from the Expanded Universe.

When I saw those glowing red eyes peering out from under his hood for the first time… Chills.  I got chills.

Well done keeping that a secret Mr. Abrams.  You did far better than you did with ‘Kahn’.

 

For more of our Star Wars coverage, check out our section.

Canada To Implement Strict New Guidelines For Refugees

(Ottawa, ON) –This morning, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced a series of strict measures that would be used as acceptance criteria for Syrian refugees fleeing ISIL attacks on their homes.

“Look, this is undoubtedly a human rights issue, but we also have to look out for ourselves here.  We can’t just let anyone in.  That’s why we’ve developed these stronger guidelines.  And these will apply to immigrants as well, not just refugees.  We feel very strongly that these measures will help maintain a strong Canadian society.”

These new measures include:

-Knowing the difference between they’re, there, & their

-Knowing how to turn off the caps lock key in online debates

-Passing the Aunt Jemima’s/real Maple Syrup taste test challenge

-Identifying the Canadian teams on the poster of NHL logos

-Ordering a double-double correctly at the mock Tim Horton’s

-Pinkie swearing that they have never been and never will be a member of ISIL

The Prime Minister continued. “Obviously, we all know at least one person on Facebook who can’t use ‘there’ properly, and yeah, he’s dragging our side down and making us all look bad.  So that’s why we’ve put that one up on the list.  Hopefully, the numbers of people who can do English proper will increasify and no one will notice that guy as often as they would of if we didn’t stress that.  Oh, and obviously the caps lock thing is important too.  There’s seriously no need to ‘yell’, that’s a huge pet peeve of mine.  As is, ironically, the use of the term ‘pet peeve’.”

Trudeau Campaign: Has Anyone Suggested ‘Change’ Yet?

(Ottawa, ON) –Liberal Party of Canada leader Justin Trudeau reportedly had a personal hand in the selection of the current slogan for the election, Real Change.

“It was really hard to come up with, if I’m honest.  But we got there.  I was like, let’s try to delve deep into the minds of the voters.  What is their big frustration?  Well, they’re tired of the same old thing happening in Parliament.  So what’s the solution to that?  Change, change is the solution.  So that’s where we got the idea from.  It arose pretty organically, really.  I’m pretty sure that we’re the first non-incumbent political party on the planet that has ever come up with the idea of promising change.  Real Change, if you will.”

“But that’s today’s Liberal Party.  We think outside the box.  In fact, we even get all of our catering done by Taco Bell.  Yeah, we think outside the bun too!” Trudeau told us excitedly.

Asked for comment, Green Party leader Elizabeth May told us “I seriously can’t believe I’ll get fewer votes than this guy.”

 

a politician promises change

Conservatives Make Startling Pledge On Election Fraud

(Ottawa, ON) –Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced this morning that his party would be taking a hard line on electoral fraud in this election.

“You are hearing this now, directly from me, the leader of the party, that we will not tolerate electoral fraud or underhanded tactics in ridings that we strongly believe we will win.  Obviously, I’m not going to rule that shit out in ridings where we’re not sure how well we’ll do, I mean, we don’t want to lose those ridings.  And ruling out such underhanded tricks could seriously put our chances of winning that riding in jeopardy.”

The Prime Minister then leaned forward onto the podium, getting casual with the attending reporters.

“You see, our entire strategy involves making people vote against their self-interest.  And we do that, by giving them a target that doesn’t actually affect their life in anyway.  I met with Karl Rove once, and he explained it all.  You see, down in the states, the conservative side will mix in tax cuts for the wealthy and program cuts for the needy, with some good fear baiting of gay weddings and abortions.  Those last two basically don’t affect anyone but the people directly involved.  Then they rile everyone up about the last two, so they forget about how screwed they’ll get with the first few things.”

“I’ve been trying similar shit out up here.  I’ll come out and say that we have no intention of revisiting abortion or gay marriage, but then I’ll stir up a back bencher to make some outlandish statements about them, just to get people going again.  Obviously, I’ve been running out of material lately, what with this whole niqab kerfuffle.  I mean, come on, does anyone think that’s actually an issue?  It’s cold here nine months of the year; of course you want your face covered.”

“So to reiterate the main point here.  We, the Conservative Party Of Canada, are only going to cheat if we think we’re going to lose.  You really can’t ask for more than that.”

 

conservatives refuse to stop electoral fraud