Exclusive Interview with REDACTED

There now follows a transcript of Sealion News’ exclusive interview with famous Hollywood actress <REDACTED>.  The interview took place on the afternoon of August 19, 2013 between <REDACTED> and Sealion News entertainment reporter Blaze Newsguy.

Blaze:  I’m here with <REDACTED>.  Star of <REDACTED>, <REDACTED> and, of course, <REDACTED>.  How are you?

<REDACTED>:  I’m good.  How are you?

B: Very good.  I just have to say, right off the bat, that I loved you in <REDACTED>.  You should have won.

<R>:  Won what?

B:  The Oscar.

<R>:  I wasn’t nominated for that film.  In fact, <REDACTED> wasn’t nominated at all.  For anything.

B:  Well, no.  But you should have been, you were really good.

<R>:  Thanks.  I guess.

B:  You are welcome.  So my big question to you is this.  How do you see the real you in comparison to how you’re portrayed by the media?

<R>:  How do I compare to what’s said and written about me?

B:  Exactly.

<R>:  Well, I don’t really do anything noteworthy for the gossip sites like TMZ or the entertainment blogs.  So when they do report something, it’s usually fairly factual.  I don’t really think that I’ve put on a persona for the media to make myself look good.  I think people can see through that sort of thing.

B:  And what about the other types of media?

<R>:  Other types?

B:  I have here a story that you heavily feature in.  Perhaps you could look it over, and let us know your thoughts.

<R>:  Sure.

<REDACTED> reads the papers handed to her by Blaze.

<R>:  Oh wow.

<R>:  Oh my God!  This is horrendous.  Where did you get this?

B:  One of our researchers found it.  Celeberotica dot com I believe.

<R>:  Well this isn’t real.  It’s fan fiction.

B:  And I would hope so, given what you do on page 3.

<REDACTED> Turns to page 3.

<R>:  I don’t see anything worse than on page…  Wow.

B:  So.  In light of this new information.  How do you compare the real you, to how you are portrayed in the media?

<R>:  This media?

B: Yes.

<R>:  Well, let’s look at this sequentially.

B: Let’s.

<R>:  Ok.  So this story takes place in Galion, Ohio.  I guess that’s where the author lives.  So right there, it’s not realistic.

B:  How so?

<R>:  Well, this guy supposedly bumps into me in a hotel bar in Galion.  I would not be staying in a small town like that.  I’d be in a nicer hotel in a city.

B:  Great stuff.  Please continue.

<R>:  Secondly, I just do not own a leather miniskirt.

B: We’re breaking a lot of pre-conceived notions here.

<R> Laughs: Seems so.  Ok, so he’s seen her, and walked up and two sentences later they’re heading up to his hotel room.  That seems odd.  I can’t help but think that I’d have a much nicer hotel room than random guy.  Even in Galion.  And that’s another thing.  If I’m on a shoot, why wouldn’t I rent a house?

B:  If you rented a house you wouldn’t meet… Scott?  Is that his name?

<R>:  Yes.  And apparently Scott is swinging pipe.  I, that is the written me, is astonished by his size.

B:  Different from the real you?

<R>:  No comment.  Oh.  Now this is a change.  I do actually have a lacey bra like this.

B:  Gosh.

<R>:  Wow, and now we’ve just gone straight to, well, I’m not going to say what.

B:  Not like you?

<R>:  Hell no.  I don’t even do that with my boyfriend, let alone guys I’ve just met in Galion Ohio that are packing thirteen inch monsters in their pants.

<REDACTED> is reading the papers

<R>:  Ok, so apparently that was just round one.  This guy has a very low refractory period.

<R>:  So yeah.  I am pretty insatiable.

B:  Erm… Ok.

<R>:  IN THIS!  I am insatiable in this story.

B: And page three?

<R>: I don’t think page three is legal anywhere, and if it was, I’d certainly not be making to the shoot the next day.  Not unless the shoot required very little walking around.

B:  We had our legal team look into it, and that is only legal in 3 counties in Arkansas.

<R>:  Wait, someone else has just come into the room.  No, two people.

B:  Oh yeah, I remember that bit.

<R>:  Holy shit!  I’ve never even met either of them before and I’m doing that to them within thirty seconds of meeting them?  And how do they know Scott?

B:  Oh, apparently there’s a whole series of stories involving him hooking up with famous actresses and some make cameo appearances in later stories.

<R>:  Well they’re certainly being very friendly to me.  And here comes Scott again.  So to speak.

B:  So… conclusions?

<R>:   Conclusions.  Ultimately, I am very different from the persona that is portrayed in this specific media.

B:  And I’m sure our readers will be pleased to know that.

<R>:  Is that it?  Interview over?

B:  Yeah, that’s all I had.  Do you ask me questions now?

<R>:  No.

B:  Then we’re done!  Good job all round, I’d say.

<R>:  Yeah.  Are you actually going to publish this?

B:  Well.  Yes.

<R>:  Yeah, you’re going to have to not mention my name or anything that someone could use to identify me.

B:  That’s understandable.  Oh, can I have my papers back?

<R>:  Actually, I was thinking I might hang on to this.  You know.  For… researching a role.

<REDACTED> stops at the doorway

<R>:  What was the name of that site again?

B:  Celeberotica dot com.

<R>:  Right, yes.  I’ll… have to see about… legal action against them.  Were there more stories about me there?

B:  Tons, apparently.

<R>:  With other actresses?

B:  I guess.

<R>:  Yes…  Legal action then.

Liberals Looking to Sweep Gulf Islands in Next Election

In an unprecedented move for a major party in Canada, Justin Trudeau, leader of the Liberal Party of Canada has expressed his support for legalization of marijuana.  The statements were made during a rally in Kelowna, British Columbia.

There are some, however, that doubt the Liberal leaders’ intentions and believe it is just an empty promise to swing the large pot smoking voting block in BC to the Liberal side.  This group is particularly well known for being motivated and they have swung several elections in the past.  “There’s a saying in Canadian politics.  As goes Saltspring Island, so will go Canada.” A member of this block told us, alluding to the uncanny ability of the voters of a particular Gulf Island to always pick winners in Federal elections.

 

For more on this story, see below

CBC: Trudeau Slammed For Backing Legalization

Global: Trudeau Wants To Legalize It

Sun News Network Learns Meaning of Free Market

After several years of strongly espousing a “free market” approach in their editorial features, the Sun News Network recently realized that they did not have a clear understanding of that term.

“It’s partially my fault.”  A senior executive told us anonymously.  “I thought it was one of those business buzzwords that don’t actually mean anything, so I kept suggesting to our anchors that they keep using it.  But it turns out, it actually means something!”

With the recent decision by the CRTC to deny Sun News a mandatory carriage status on cable and satellite systems, the network, which has been struggling to find an audience has an uncertain future.

“If we’d been able to get that twenty cents per household for mandatory carriage that would have really helped us keep our message of how great the free market is going.  Telus, for example, they chose not to carry us, but they would have had to if this had gone the other way.  And isn’t that really what the free market is all about?”

“Oh.”  The senior executive said after googling the term on his phone.  “That’s what it means?  Oh, we’re totally not in favour of that.  But I guess it’s too late now, we had a load of bumper stickers made up with “Honk for the Free Market” put on them.”

 

For more on this, see these sites below

CBC: CRTC Rejects Sun News Bid For Mandatory Cable Spot

Huffington Post: CRTC Rejects Sun News Application

Serial Masturbator Concerned About Possible New Policy

Recent statements by legislators in both Canada and the United Kingdom has serial masturbators feeling nervous.  The statements, made by Prime Minister David Cameron in the UK and MP Joy Smith in Canada, called for internet service providers to limit access to web sites of a pornographic nature to their clients and suggested that people “opt-in” to receive such material.

Mark Longbottom, a masturbator from Bury in England, was made very nervous by the news.  “This makes me very nervous.” Mark said to us.  “I mean, would there be a way to pre-emptively opt in?”  Mark’s largest concern is that of a disruption in service, which may lead to significantly lower masturbation sessions than his usual 6 per day.  “I have some videos on my computer, and some DVDs I could watch in between, but that stuff gets old kinda fast.  I need the variety the internet provides.”

John Johnson from Calgary Alberta had similar concerns.  “I get my internet through Shaw Cable here, they do my TV too.  So I have to hope that it’s something that could be done over the phone.  What if I have to make an appointment to have a guy come round to plug something in?  That could take days.”

An immediate backlash against the politicians by masturbators and non-masturbators alike has caused them to back pedal on this issue, but censorship of the internet remains a sticky subject for people like Mark and John.

 

For More on this issue, see below

CBC: Canadians Should Have To ‘Opt In’ To Internet Porn

BBC: Online Pornography Should Be Blocked By Default