(New York, USA) – In a press conference that astounded those in attendance, New York City’s masked vigilante, The Orange Avenger, announced this morning that he would be leaving the city he proudly protects and will be moving to Washington DC to “Drain the swamp of its fetid corruption and feral lobbyists.”
“People of New York!” The Avenger said from the podium atop the steps at City Hall, “for the past thirty years I have fought for you. I have sought out injustice and those who would prey on the weaker of us. I have worked on the edge of the law to bring justice and hope to those who have neither.”
He looked proudly to Mayor Bloomberg and the police contingent behind him. “We have done great work in this city, old friend. But it is time I moved on. The police force of this fine city deserve their accolades for the work they have accomplished in cleaning out the pimps and drug dealers. As we all know, there are no longer any pimps or drug dealers in any of the boroughs of New York now, and all the criminal bankers and embezzlers are in federal prison now.”
The Orange Avenger then asked people not to think too much about the timing of this move.
“There’s no need to think a lot about the timing here. Yes, President-Elect Trump is also moving to Washington right now, and so I’m sure a lot of you are thinking things like ‘you know, of all the people who could bankroll the Avenger, Trump is definitely on that list.’ But you’d be wrong. Remember? There was that one time we both appeared in the same place at the same time? It was a satellite uplink from Scotland, but it was live, remember? It said ‘Live’ in the bottom corner of the screen, no way that wasn’t real.”
“Where was I? Oh yes. While I did not vote for Donald Judas Trump myself,” The Avenger said with a wink to brassy NYC Times Tribune reporter Nicole Noon for some reason, “as of his inauguration tomorrow he will be my President, and he deserves the best support I can provide. Hence my move to Washington, where, frankly, my rent will be lower.” The Avenger then pointed at a member in the crowd. “This guy knows what I’m talking about.”
But the Orange Avenger had a serious warning for those elements that would seek to use his absence to fill New Yorkers with fear once more.
“Lastly, do not worry New York! For in my stead I have placed the care of the city, not only in the hands of the fine officers of its police department, but also in the hands of my capable apprentice, The Orange Avenger Junior.”
Adding with a sigh, “Oh. And his sidekick, Eric.” He turned to the man in the expensive suit and masquerade style mask over his eyes. “Seriously? Eric? I weep for this generation.”
The Orange Avenger turned to the crowd and assembled press once more.
“That’s me done. Any Questions? Nope. All right. Donny T, I mean Orange Avenger OUT!” He said, pulling the clump of press microphones from the podium and letting them all fall to the floor.
And so, with a cloud of dissipating smoke, the Orange Avenger and the Orange Avenger Jr were gone.
“Shit.” Eric said realizing he was now alone. “That was my ride.”