(Ottawa, ON) –Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that, while he appreciates the thought, he is getting tired of constantly being everyone’s ‘fuck’ option in the popular thought experiment game ‘fuck, marry, kill’.
“It’s, um, it’s like a burden, you know?” The PM told us. “Why is no one, ah, picking me as the marry option? Do they not realize that marrying me would lead to lots of love making? Tantric shit too. I know some moves. It’s 2017 guys, return the favour.”
Perhaps most surprising of all is the lack of Albertans choosing the ‘kill’ option for the current PM given the province’s distaste for his father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. We spoke to one Albertan.
“Well, it was my first thought, if I’m honest. But then I thought, hey, maybe I can fuck him like he’s fucking our province over. A province that frequently cuts a cheque directly to each and every person in Quebec, including non-taxpayers, and gets and asks for nothing in return except for right now. But then I think of those blue eyes, eyes you can get lost in, and well, I crumble a little and think about how comfortable he’d make me feel while we explored each other’s bodies and took each other to unimaginable heights of pleasure. But hey, if you’re getting the milk, why buy the cow, amiright?”
Also unimpressed with his continued option is former Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
“How am I everyone’s ‘kill’ option? Not even one ‘marry’? Who doesn’t love the Lego hair? You’d think there’d be at least one person, on the planet, who’s into this,” here the former PM turned around and presented his posterior for inspection, “Right? Check out how firm that ass is. Do it. Grab a handful. See? It’s amazingly tight. Tighter than JT’s is, I can guarantee you that.” He said, beginning to twerk. “Come on. Surely if the choice was between me, Davey Cameron, and Idi Amin, I’d not still be the ‘kill’ option.” Adding, “Fuck” in exasperation as people in droves chose to marry Idi Amin.